Trap Him, Feed Him, Keep Him

Altar Bound

Dear Whitney & Liria,

My mom hates my fiance Bill. She doesn't even try to get along with him. We're getting married in two months and I don't know what to do. All this fighting is making me crazy!

Altar Bound

Whitney Says:

Dear Altar,

First off, ask yourself if your mom has a perspective that you might not.

1. Does your finace treat you well?

2. Does he love you?

3. Does he cherish you?

If the answer to all of these questions is yes, it's time to schedule a meeting with your mother.

Here's what you need to express to her:

1. Bill loves me.

2. You've already made your choice, now let me make mine.

3. Bill and I are going to build a life together. We hope you will be a part of that life but if you are, you have got to accept us as a couple and quit picking fights.

This will leave the ball entirely in her court. Let her decide if she can live within the boundaries you have set up. If she says she can, hold her to it. If she says she can't then be prepared to have a wedding without her. Serve her one of my KILLER GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES. It may just help her see the light!

Happiness is in your own hands~

Liria Says:

Dear Bound,

Mothers usually say their piece and then stand silently and quietly by their daughter's decisions. What's up with your mom and your fiance that they are fighting? I don't like that mom is picking fights. But it takes two to actually... you know, fight. What's your fiance's role in this tango?

It's crunch-time for you, Altar. You've got to assess this one and your future is riding on it. I'd hate to see you unhappily bound on the other side of the altar.

Make them both a KILLER GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH and let them know how much you hate being in the middle. You need to speak to both of them now. It's too important to forever hold your piece.

Expecting

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I just found out that I am three months pregnant. The problem is that my boyfriend and I have only been dating for two months. We really love each other and I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him, so I'm thinking about letting him think the baby is his. Do you think this will work?

Expecting

Whitney Says:

Dear Expecting,

I am calling on all my training as a lady not to call you a whole slew of unsavory epithets. Yet the word "TRASH" seems to keep flashing through my head. The answer to your question is a loud and resounding NO!!!

I realize that you want to have your cake and eat it too, but passing off your child as another man's is not an option. When you began breeding, your first obligation became to you child. And while your baby will be much better off with a father, he/she will not benefit from your lie. Your child and your boyfriend WILL find out the truth one day and they will not thank you for it.

Therefore my recommendation is to quit watching Jerry Springer and level with your boyfriend. Tell him how much you love him (2 whole months worth!), then tell him the truth. Let him decide if he's ready to play daddy. Make him a nice big batch of Pigs in the Blanket to soften the blow.

Geesh!

Liria Says:

Dear Expecting,

Whitney Whitney Whitney… turn down the volume on your judgment, babe. Expecting isn't trash, she's simply a girl who doesn't care to be single.

Having a life before you meet a man is no crime. Unfortunately entrapment is.

What a clever girl you are though. Since you don't trust your two-month old relationship to withstand the truth, you've conceived a cunning lie to secure your family's future.

Your brilliant plan has every chance of working too, as long as neither your boyfriend nor any of his family or friends can count to nine.

Now would someone pass me the pan of White Trash Bars? The commercial's almost over and… hey, wait, isn't that Expecting on Springer?

SOUP IS GOOD FOOD!

The Truth About Hooters

Dear Whitney and Liria,

My guy and his friends love to watch the game at Hooters. I'm uncomfortable joining them there and would like to have them watch the game at our apartment. Is there anything short of a wet t-shirt that would encourage them to watch the game at home?

Sitting on the Bench

Whitney Says:

Dear Sitting,

Yes! While men find ogling big bazooms enormously entertaining, they are also attracted to them because they were their first source of food. I have found that when men have a choice between boob gazing and filling their own tummies, nine times out of ten, they will pick food. Therefore, I suggest making my I REALLY LOVE YOUR PEACHES PIE and serving it to them ala mode. Now, if you want to keep them at your place and away from Hooters, I would garnish this recipe with a form fitting, scooped neck top... and if it's just a wee bit cold in your house? All the better!

Go team!!!

Liria Says:

Dear Sitting,

I'm gonna burst your bubble but darlin' it's for your own good! If you'd ever been to Hooter's you'd understand why it's such a beloved destination. I know women think it's the breasts but honey it's the wings! The chicken wings! They are solidly out of this world!

Smart marketing has you worried for nothing. The most liberating thing you could do for yourself is to throw on your favorite jeans and go along with the guys next time. I've never known a woman to regret a trip to Hooters.

But do your relationship a favor and make I REALLY LOVE YOUR PEACHES PIE to remind him why he loves coming home to YOU after the game. A little culinary innuendo never hurt!!

I Slept With My Friend's Boyfriend

Dear Whitney and Liria,

My friend Tammy just found out that I had a one night stand with her boyfriend. It happened way before they got together so it's not like he messed around on her. The problem is that she won't forgive either one of us and she's recently started flirting with my husband. I'm afraid that she's going to try to sleep with him to get even with me.
Help, what do I do?

One Night Was Enough

Whitney Says:

Dear Enough,

Ahhhh, the one night stand... what a pathetic pond in which to cast your reel. Being that this encounter only occurred once, I'm willing to bet that this man was a near stranger to you at the time. Of course if you read our column at all, you know that I don't endorse this kind of behavior as there is seldom a happy finish. But sadly you can't un-sink a boat.

You need to schedule some time with your friend and explain to her that you were sloppy drunk when you met her man and that you don't even remember doing the horizontal hokey pokey with him. Then tell her that you must be awful in bed because he never called you after your encounter.

Next, confide that your husband is awful in bed. This will have a two-fold result. 1.) Your friend should no longer desire a revengeful encounter using him as her stud. 2.) She will pity you and hopefully won't begrudge your one night of bliss with her man. The whole point of this exercise is to make her feel better about her life by making you look pathetic.

If you really want to make her feel great, put on some weight. Do this by making a big batch of my WICKEDLY SIMPLE CHOCOLATE FONDUE. Dip everything you eat into it, from your morning toast to your sandwich at lunch. Before you know it, you and your friend will be back on good terms!

Bon Appetite!

Liria Says:

Dear Enough,

Hang on to your dress size! Whitney is operating from the same outdated rules as your pal Tammy.

According to Tammy YOU broke the girlfriend code. Trouble is, her copy of the Girlfriend Rule Book is from 1953! No wonder she's mad. According to that edition you couldn't sleep with her boyfriend unless he WAS your husband. Otherwise you were "cheap" and "easy". Things aren't so simple any more.

Honey, you need to sit your pal down and give her the 21st Century edition of the rules. While there is NO rule about sleeping with her boyfriend before they became a couple, there IS a rule about loyalty which includes letting your girlfriend know as soon as you realize you've "dated" the same guy. Beyond that, no details.

Tell her that if she is more comfortable with her old, dusty rule book, it says she has every right to end your friendship.

One last thing: Tell Tammy that choosing to flirt her way into bed with your husband comes from the Desperate Housewives edition and that's against the rules.

PS: Note to boyfriend: No T-shirts or wearable art of any kind that reads "I've had Enough!"

I'm Not Sure I Want To Marry Him

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I've been engaged for almost 2 years. I can't bring myself to actually get married for a few reasons: he is marginally employed and seemingly unmotivated and he is a rather angry man at times (hates the world, children, old people, traffic, rain, what have you). That said, we do get along fabulously in other areas. However, his lack of funds have become my lack of funds (my fault, I'm aware), and his outbursts, are, well, loud and scary.

Do I stay or do I go? I've been in limbo for a while now. I recently rented my own place and because he hadn't made sufficient plans for a living arrangement, he put all his belongings in storage, got himself a PO Box and is living with me (at times).

I hate to see him out on his backside, because I do care about him. I just am concerned for my future. I'm 29, for the record. And I'm not getting any younger.

Halting at the Altar

Whitney Says:

Dear Halting,

There are times when nothing but quoting The Clash will do. This is one of those times. As the question on the table is, "Should I stay or should I go?" I must quote: "If I go there will be trouble...And if I stay it will be double." That's the nut baby. Going will be hard, staying will be suicide.

You are obviously aware that the world-hating, children-hating, old-people-hating, traffic-hating, rain-hating man isn't for you (I mean really, who hates the rain?). After all, if he were the ONE, you would not be plagued with all these doubts.

As for living with you? Ixnay on the oyfriendbay ohabitaioncay! My advice is to thank him for the memories, suggest anger management counseling, have the locks on your doors changed, reclaim your finances, and make a big pitcher of my delicious SEX ON THE BEACH to celebrate your freedom!

At twenty-nine, it's time to kick this boy-man to the curb and start shopping for a gem.

Whitney

Liria Says:

Okay Darlin',

Why are you halting?

You've got a lot to look forward to if you marry this man. You can start by carrying him over the threshold (every girls dream) and then attach a shackle to your ankle so that he'll have something to hold on to as you carry him through the rest of your life.

Compassion is an important quality... and you've taken it to a ridiculous extreme. While we never like to see the people we love on their backsides, staying wth this loser is gonna land you squarely on your own.

Cut the cord babe. He may sink. He may swim. You will be free to soar!

He Won't Marry Me!

Dear Whitney and Liria,

My boyfriend and I have two children and have lived together for seven years. My problem is that he still hasn't proposed. How am I ever going to become his wife?

Always the Bridesmaid

Whitney Says:

Dear Always,

Close down the dairy girfriend!!! Your man has opted not to pay for his milk for too long. It's time to cut him off! Normally, I would say that if he hasn't popped the question inside of two months, you should leave. But sadly, you have done the unthinkable and already procreated with this fiend.

As a last resort, I would check the common law marriage rules in your state and if you find that your seven years of co-habitation have already made you his legal spouse, then hop on down to city hall and change your name. Your next course of action is to stop by Kay Jewelers and buy yourself a ring. Then let everyone know that you and Billy Bob are now man and wife. In fact send out announcements and see if you can snag some wedding gifts while you're at it.

Before resorting to the common law approach, I would make your man a batch of my MAPLE SYRUP MUFFINS. He might just drop down on his knees and propose right there at the breakfast table.

Keep your knees together and good luck!

Liria Says:

Dear Always,

Close the dairy? Whitney, that farm is all she's got. You've got to be practical here. Our girl forgot the cardinal rule of dating when she became a breeder... twice. While I do hate to rain on anybody's parade, I've got bad news. One little darling and you might have been able to pull it off. Two, and it's just way too late for you.

The good news? You can make him a batch of anything you want and enjoy it! If you're still hell-bent on matrimony, my poor little poster child for don't-let-this-happen-to-you, I have a plan. Surprise him by making his favortite meal and then ply him with the whole liquor cabinet (may I suggest making him a pitcher of our "IT'S A VERY LONG ISLAND" ICED TEA. In a pinch, who says you can't throw your own shotgun wedding?

Ready, Aim, Fire!

My Boyfriend is Going to Strip Clubs

Dear Whitney and Liria,

My boyfriend goes to the bar every Monday night to watch the ball game. I stopped by to surprise him tonight and guess what? He wasn't there. His friends were doing their best to cover for him, but I'm afraid that he's going to the strip clubs again. Even though he promised that he'd stop. What should I do?

Angry in Anchorage

Whitney Says:

Dear Angry,

First of all, how good looking are the strippers in Alaska anyway? I mean I'm getting a visual here and I see facial hair. Obviously, regardless of how hot these chics are or are not, you do not want your boyfriend oggling them. I get that. Yet I'm wondering what he's getting at the strip clubs that he's not getting at home. I am not blaming you in any way. I am simply asking the obvious question.

Do you think perhaps that it's time for a trip to Trashy Lingerie for a Naughty Nurse's uniform? Find out what your boyfriend's fantasies are and help make them come true for him (within reason). Maybe perform a little strip-tease of your own. I do not recommend using the pole though. My friend Rachael did that and wound up in the emergency room getting fifty-two stitches when she flew face first through the bedroom window. I'm enclosing a simply fabulous recipe for my "Whip Him Up" WHIPPED CREAM.

I wish you much good use of it.

Liria Says:

Dear Angry,

At the bar you know he's watching the cheerleaders just as our eyes are focused on the tight buns in tight pants running around doing that silly little happy dance. I'm gonna suggest you make him some HOT "DON'T CROSS ME" BUNS. Impale THEM on a pole, and serve fresh from the oven on Sunday morning. Trust me, that'll keep him in next Monday night. Sometimes subtle works just fine.

Now you can enjoy the democratic pleasures of Monday night football together.

Touchdown?!

Too Much Food in the Bedroom

Dear Whitney and Liria,

My boyfriend and I LOVE to use food in our lovemaking. The problem is that I'm getting a little chunky. Do you have any advice?

Sticky in Sausalito

Whitney Says:

Dear Sticky,

Is chunky really a problem here? It sounds like your man isn't having trouble with it. The good news about men and the bedroom is that when in the mood, there is no blood left in their brains so they can't really tell if you look like an el roundo plumpa lumpus. But, if you want to lose a few pounds for yourself, I support your endeavor and would recommend that you replace the whipped cream with slices of juicy mango. And perhaps instead of fudge sauce, try using a Lean Cuisine Swedish Meatball Dinner.

Tip the scales in your favor!

Liria Says:

Oh Whit!

Surely we have some fabulous low-fat recipes to offer our sticky friend. Sticky, I'll get back to you with a sexy menu that won't break the seams on your birthday suit! In the meantime, try adding something to your exercise routine that doesn't happen between your slippery sheets.

Go get physical!

PS: Psst, Sticky, forget low-fat long enough to try our HOT BOURBON FUDGE SAUCE. It'll take you both straight to heaven! And what a way to go! Enjoy!