Trap Him, Feed Him, Keep Him

Trying For Cyber Love

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I've recently signed up with an on-line dating service. Do you think this is a good way to meet men?

Trying for Cyber Love

Whitney Says:

Dear Trying,

I have been with the same man for seventeen years and therefore have a healthy skepticism about computer generated love. I'm not saying that it's wrong, it just makes me nervous. I mean, who are these men? Are they felons? Do they smell? It's just so easy to lie about yourself online. Take a picture for instance. Someone can post a photo of themselves that's ten years old and has been doctored within an inch of its' life. It seems to me that you have to wade through a lot of crap to find someone worthy.

Hence, I am going to throw this question to Liria. As a singleton, herself, I think she may have some better advice for you.

Try my Salmon Mousse, its delicious!

Liria Says:

Hey Whit,

Just because I've been around the virtual block a time or two doesn't mean I've got ALL the answers. But I'll give it go...

Dear Trying,

In the virtual dating world, there are three things to remember:

1.) If it doesn't work, you can't take it personally.
2.) If you don't have his number (and that's LAND line, Darlin') he's married.
3.) Before you cast a wide net (geographically speaking) make sure you're really willing to relocate (or he is). It is NOT PLEASANT to fall in love with someone and then find that suburban Baltimore is not a place you can spend the rest of your life. (Don't ask!)

Once you've navigated the waters above, send him a basket of our baked goods. That way, he knows you're domestic and you know his address! The most important tool for a serious on-line love quest? A good private investigator!

Snoop on McDuff!

Where Do I Find A Man?

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I'm a twenty-eight year old physical therapist and the only single men I ever meet are either eighty and crippled or they have had a head injury. What should I do to find Mr. Right?

Desperate in Des Moines

Whitney Says:

Dear Desperate,

Don’t Despair! There are a million ways to meet Mr. Right. I recommend getting together with all of the single gals you know and throwing a cocktail party. If each girl invites five men (remember, one girl’s trash is another’s Trojan) and brings an hors de oeuvre, you are sure to find one or two gentlemen of interest. Make my STUFFED MUSHROOM CAPS. They are guaranteeed to make men drool!

Happy Hunting,

Liria Says:

Dear Desperate,

Your letter makes me wonder exactly who here has had the head injury. I have two words for you, Sports Medecine. You, honey, clearly need a new job. Get yourself out there and discover a new batch of slightly clumsy studs who, coincidentally, are a wee bit less agile that they once were. Look, Desperate, here's your chance. They can't outrun you while they're injured. Physical therapy can be fantastic hunting ground for a girl with a purpose. Forget the mushrooms, make him a batch of my "REAL HIM IN, SUGAR" COOKIES to take along to the office and get your Florence Nightingale on!

Go get those jocks!

I Gave Him My Number...

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I met a guy at my friend's birthday party last weekend and he asked for my phone number. I still haven't heard from him. What do I do? Should I call him?

Anxious

Whitney Says:

Dear Anxious,

Ah, the age old question; should I wait for him to ring me or should I bite the bullet and call first? I tend to be a little old fashioned about things like calling the boy before he's called you. I worry that you might appear too easy. My suggestion is to talk to your friend and find out the particulars on this fella ASAP. If he is indeed a nice guy, have your friend ring him up. Have her casually ask him if he met any nice gals at her party. Then have her relay that her friend, Anxious (you), has already been called by three different men. Bottom line: she plays stupid, all the while letting him know what a popular dish you are. Sometimes the simpler sex needs to know that the object of their desire is also desired by others. It helps to get the ball rolling. While you're waiting for this to all play out, whip up a pitcher of my MARVELOUS MANGO MARGARITAS... the time will pass quicker.

Chin up Cupcake and keep me posted,

Liria Says:

Dear Anxious,

There's nothing wrong with giving a guy your number. Where you fell off the turnip truck was waiting for him to call you. Next time, if you're interested get his number. That way you're in the driver's seat. Speaking of driver's seats, you might want to try a little trick our Whitney uses. She has a business card without ANY contact information on it. And she's the dominitrix of cookies in Hollywood because of it. Moral of this story, oh anxious one, they all want what they can't get... at least at first... at least easily. Believe me, I've been easy one too many times, and you don't want any part of THAT!

Withold and Win!

Chunky And Alone

Dear Whitney & Liria,

I'm forty four years old and I sing in the chorus of the Metropolitan Opera. I'm single and robust and desperate to find a man. However, there don't appear to be any takers. My friend, Reggie, whom I love very much, recently told me that he thinks he might be attracted to me. The problem is that up until now, Reggie has been a confirmed homosexual. Do you have any advice for me?

Singing Solo

Whitney Says:

Dear Singing,

Men either want bratwurst or tacos, not both. Reggie has probably confused his love for you as a friend for heterosexual attraction. Please, I beg you on bended knee NOT to try to pursue a physical relationship with him. Once he sees you all naked and pendulous, there is no way there will be a consumation as the air will have gone right out of his balloon, so to speak. And once this happens, the friendship will never be the same.

As you sing for the Met, you live in or near an urban area. Go on-line and look for the Chubby Chasers Club near you. There are real live (straight) men who prefer a woman of zaftig proportion. Find yourself one of them and start singing a duet.

Do, Rei, YOU girlfriend!

P.S. If you're looking for something long and cream filled, try my CREAMY CREAMY CANNOLI.
Liria Says:

Dear Solo,

Ah, you're exhibiting a classic case of the fat-girl-gay-man connection. It's uncanny! He's not going straight, Solo, he's just as smitten with you as any hot blooded straight man SHOULD be if he weren't so afraid of his image. While it's likely your tenor probably hasn't gotten any in a while himself, you were wise to look before leaping on this one.

But why toss him over entirely? Use him to get your confidence up. This boy sees all your good qualities and the easiest way to know he's really gay is that he isn't worried about being seen with you! The flattery will do you a world of good. But don't let it cloud you judgment.

Solo, listen to me. Take that self-esteem boost and, when you're ready, find yourself an opera lover not an opera singer. In the meantime, treat yourself to a batch of Whitney's CREAMY CREAMY CANNOLI. You'll forget all about men and I guarantee there's an afterglow!

Your aria is coming!

Gorgeous Guy At Work

Dear Whitney and Liria,

There is a new guy that just started at my office last week and he's hot, hot, hot! Every single girl in the office is on the make for him like a bucket of chum in a pod of hungry sharks. How do I make him mine?

Lusty in Lafayette

Whitney Says:

Dear Lusty,

There is one obvious way to ge this man to be yours. You must feed him! But you musn't let the other girls see you or they will try the same warfare. Start leaving one lone treat on his desk with a seducive little note. May I recommend my RASPBERRY-COCONUT BARS? Once he's hooked, issue a dinner invitation. Hopefully, you'll be on the menu for dessert!

Oh l'amour, l'amour!

Liria Says:

Hey Lusty,

Hold the phone! What exactly do you want him for anyway? Our sweet Whitney forgets that while cooking is the ultimate way to a man's HEART, you'll want to find out exactly how many of his organ's you're interested in before you start investing in batter and dough. A great little day-to-evening number and drinks after work will tell you whether he really has what it takes to get your best pie!

In lust we trust!

Sweet Sixteen and Never Kissed

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I'm only sixteen, but there's this guy that I really, really, really like. I mean REALLY! The problem is that he's twenty four and looks at me like I'm a child. What should I do?

Sweet Sixteen and Never Kissed

Whitney Says:

Dear Lolita,

For the love of God girl, isn't it past your bedtime? Hear me loud and clear on this sweetheart... you are JAILBAIT!!! If this dear man is smart enough to realize that, DO NOT dangle your fresh young behind in his face. The only boys you should be interested in should be no older than seventeen or eighteen, TOPS! And remember when you're thinking of hopping in the sack with one of them (as I'm sure you are you little tart!) adolescent boys stink. As in peeeeeeuuuuu. Hygiene is not high on their hit parade.

Now, I'm calling your mother!

PS: Speaking of tarts, my LUSCIOUS LEMON-ALMOND TART is out of this world!

Liria Says:

Now Girlie,

I don't mean to sound bitter, but...I have had it up to HERE with children masquerading as women and competing for MY men. Okay, he may not be mine. Yes, I could be his mother. But my point is undiminished.

You, little girl, should have yourself a slumber party, attach chastity belts to all your little-girl friends, and pine over what ONE DAY will be yours. Not today though. Today it is hard enough for a single ADULT woman to find a date without having to compete with YOU.

Don't you have an SAT to study for?

Single Mother Needs Date!

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I have four small children under the age on ten, and am divorced. I am ready to start dating again but wonder if I should even bother. I mean, what man in his right mind is going to be interested in a future with me?

Mommy Malaise

Whitney Says:

Dear Mom,

You ain't kidding sister! The answer is simple. No man in his right mind is going to want to get tangled up with you. Therefore, if you are really interested in going back on the meat market, you are truly going to have to look for a man not in his right mind. This can be a dicey venture as you must make sure that while a little unhinged, he is neither criminally insane, or a criminal of any type for that matter. Your first priority is your younguns after all.

My next thought is to ply him with alcohol. A drunken man is not as likely to remember how many kiddies you actually have... yet you run the risk of him seeing double and thinking there are eight. Tough spot.

Maybe Liria has something helpful. But, in case you do opt for getting him drunk, make MY MOM'S ARTILLERY PUNCH. It pretty much consists of every kind of booze in the liquor cabinet... on ice. Have a taxi on speed dial if you or he drink more than a sip.

Good luck!

Liria Says:

Dear Mal,

First of all, four beautiful little people aren't a liability honey, unless you're looking for child support. What you need is a stable of good baby sitting help and an overnight bag.

Don't worry, just cause you'd have to find a Brady Bunch wanna-be to think long term (and then THINK who you'd be sleeping with) doesn't mean you can't get out for a little adult entertainment from time to time. First get the babysitting thing squared away, then join one of the best online dating services out there. Besides, most men have a very loose definition of what constitutes a date. Believe me, your children really don't factor into it. You'll be surprised at how easy it is to be a multi-tasking mommy. Get yourself all set up and get out there and RIDE THAT COWBOY! Whoooo hooo!!! Oops (sorry).

By the way, if you land one of the rare remaining good guys, keep the conversation vague long enough that you stand a chance. And Mal, if you lose him once he learns the truth, would you please send him my way?

Always happy to help,

Whitney Says:

Dear Liria,

Wee tiny concern with your advice on this one. Mommy said she wanted to get out and date. I construe "date" to mean have dinner, a glass of wine, and get to know each other (this is where she needs to come clean about her brood). You, my pet, seem to think that by date she means a shag fest... we best ask Mommy which she is after so we're clear on how to advise her.

I simply worry that if she's just looking for a roll in the hay, she might wind up single with five little one to raise. She seems very fertile.

So... Mommy, please get back to us and let us know. Are you looking for love or a good time?

Either way, use protection!

Liria Says:

Hey Whit,

I'm a realist. I got a letter from a chick with a crisis of confidence, four kids and a libido who says she wants to date. Well, honey, fortunately for her, libido is my department. I say she can date. I say she can have dinner. She can have a glass of wine. She can get to know him in any one of a number of creative ways.

Whit, I say she can have her dessert and eat it too. I stand by my advice.

Have a cookie.

P.S.: Just actually read your advice, Whit. You suggested she find and date, 1) a madman who isn't also a criminal, or 2) a regular guy she'll have to get so drunk he won't be able to see straight. Hmmm. I gotta tell you I don't think she needs to find someone who's just flown over the cuckoo's nest but I've had your MY MOM'S ARTILLERY PUNCH, and that's a recipe every single girl needs to memorize!

High School Reunion Hotty

Dear Whitney & Liria,

I'm going to my ten year high school class reunion next month and I'm hoping to hook up with the football player I had a HUGE crush on all throughout senior year. Do you have any tips for me?

Lovelorn in Lousianna

Whitney Says:

Dear Lou,

This is a toughy. I mean, the reunion is going to be catered, so you can't really show up with a fried drumstick down your blouse, can you? Before I begin to wrack my brain for a culinary solution to your fix, I feel honor-bound to tell you that while you still hold the image of Mr. Stud Muffin Hunky Buns in your head, chances are your high school heart throb has changed. While still bearing some resemblance to his former self (which he probably won't at the fifteen year), he is most likely shorter, balder, and fatter than you remember.

Now, if you still think you want his varsity pin, listen up. Instead of perfume, I want you to dab a little vanilla extract on all your steamy pulse points. Instead of lip gloss, use corn syrup (just try not to lick it off). And finally your hair; if you're a brunette, rinse it in beer. This will give you a nice shine all the while reminding him of a good burp and a football game (two things he's bound to love being a man). If you are blonde, rinse your hair in lemon juice. That oughtta remind him of a tall glass of lemonade.

If I'm right and he's not the end-all-to-die-for that you remember, I have two words for you: Bill Gates. Now that you're all tarted up, don't let this opportunity go to waste. Search out the biggest geek in your class and bat your eyes at him. Chances are he's worth millions more than Mr. Football.

GOOOOOOOOO Team!!!

Liria Says:

Dear Lovelorn,

Before I start dishing advice and recipes, just one question. If you can hold onto a crush for nine years, eleven months, how long can you hold a grudge if things don't go your way? I'm guessing that for a variety of reasons we could call you Fido from Louisiana. That's what I see as your advantage. You don't let go. Well I say good for you! I have no idea whether you'll get this man next month. Really, who knows? If you want to invest in trying, get a room at the reunion hotel, pick up a bottle of scotch for him and make a batch of my "Before I Offer Him the Poison" Apple Martinis for you, and invite him up. If he's married, invite her too. If all goes South at least you won't have to drive. Go up to your room and plot your revenge for the next gathering.

Who says only whiny losers are still hung up on the football team ten years later?

Revenge is sweet (and sour mix)!