Trap Him, Feed Him, Keep Him

Not Mary Poppins

Dear Whitney and Liria,

My fiance's very fertile sister is going to have her fifth child in about a month. She asked that we watch all four of her (under the age of 7) kids the night after she gives birth. It is important that I appear very child friendly to his family (as he is one of 9). my question is, what do I feed these little people other than boiled hot dogs or pizza delivery? I want them to report back to their mother and grandmother that I am fabulous.

Not Mary Poppins

Whitney Says:

Dear Mary,

Remember, just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down. In this case, the medicine is watching four little rug rats while their mom brings forth a fifth. The medicine? Homemade Pizzas! Just buy some ready made dough from the market and portion it off so that each one of the little critters can make their own. If that doesn't prove to everyone what a domestic you are nothing will. Plus the kids will adore you for including them in the grown up process of cooking. For dessert? Try a FROSTY ROOTBEER FLOAT and you will float into the hearts of all!

Remember, Mary Poppins is positively perfect in every way!

Liria Says:

Dear Not Poppins,

Semi-homemade is the art of illusion and this is one of the most important domestic arts to master. My question for you is how rough ARE your domestic skills?  If you CAN pull off diinner, I'd try a simple spaghetti and some homemade cheesy bread. If boiling water, cooking noodles, pouring Ragu (kids love it) and melting cheese is beyond your scope, get kid-friendly Italian take-out the night before and reheat. Nothing fancy.

Two ways to get some BIG extra-credit points if you can pull off some very simple cooking: 1) Chocolate cake for desert. A mix is easy and it's the frosting kids love. 2) Send the leftovers home so the Breeders don't have to worry about dinner the next night.

Kids will never complain about spaghetti leftovers and you'll look like Lady Bountiful to the whole family.

Word will get out that your a keeper!

Self-Made Booty Call

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I have really done it this time. I think I've turned myself into a booty call in the eyes of a great guy. Can you help me fix this? I'd like to keep my options open and don't want to be seen simply as a late-night date. Here's my story…

We met at a friend's house after the rodeo. I was really into him. He felt the same. We exchanged numbers. I didn't hear from him for the typical week or two.

He invited me to a few parties. I'd stop by at the end of the night (after going out with my girlfriends) and have a drink or two and give him a quick kiss on the cheek. Nothing serious.

Then he invited me to his b-day bash and once again I showed up late… but not as late this time.

Well, That's when it started. We couldn't keep our hands off each other! We headed for his bedroom and didn't leave til the next day. He called the following week to see how I was. He made a few attempts asking me to meet him for a beer or come hang out. But every time he called I already had plans with my girls. So I would tell him I'd call when we got done. Well somehow I turned this great guy into a late night call.... a booty call.

It's not exactly what I wanted but I am not sure if I wanted to jump into a relationship either. How can I just as easily and casually get it back to the regular playing field? I would love to get out of this booty call slump before it is what we become to each other. But I don't want to stop having sex with him either.

What can I do?

Self Made Booty Call

Whitney Says:

Sugar Plum,

If you want to get back on an even playing field, you first have to get off your back!

Geezy Lou, talk about wanting it all right now. The problem is that your guy is not going to want to back pedal now that he’s gotten you horizontal. I think you may need to talk to your man and tell him that you are no longer into the booty call thing. Then inform him that if he wants to date you for real, it will involve actually leaving the bedroom. Do your best to keep your knees together for a bit though or you’ll wind up just the booty call again.

On a final note… quit eating meat! Try a lovely vegetarian recipe. WHITNEY'S FESTIVE FRITTATA will help keep you chaste!

Liria Says:

Note to Self,

Listen up! You can't play both sides of that fence. There's nothing wrong with riding this cowboy, you're just not gonna ride him into the sunset.

You've fallen into the modern party-girls courtship trap. You're trying to play like a man and you just weren't built for it. Now that you've trained this guy to see you as his 2am appointment, of course you want him to take you seriously. Like clockwork, it never fails.

You, my girl, never wanted a relationship with rodeo-dude or you would have thrown your girlfriends over at the first hint of love.

Unlike us, most men take no pride in taming a player... so odds of turning this around are slim. If you want to try, you're gonna need to go cold-turkey. No "booty call" and no "I'm partying with my girls" for you. Try something unexpected. See him in daylight. Tell him you're studying or visiting your grandmother next time he suggests the kind of late-night rendezvous you've trained him to expect.

If you make it past square one, READ THIS. You're not the only booty call-girl with questions, but you're the first to know you've made this bed yourself!

Hot For A Midget

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I'm a trapeze artist in the circus and I have the hots for one of the migets in the elephant act. I'm afraid to put the moves on him for fear of embarrasing myself. What should I do?

Flying Through the Air

Whitney Says:

Dear Flying,

For a woman who loves to talk, you have rendered me utterly speechless. This is kinky, kinky stuff. While I'm not going to tell you about my own adventures with the husband and the garden hose, it's safe to say that I have nothing against defying the norm in the boudoir.

So...I must tell you that I'm pretty sure your midget has had fantasies of getting slippery with a tall (because even if you're short to the rest of the world, you're tall to him) limber, trapeze artist. I see this as a no brainer. All you have to do is let the object of your desire know that you're interested and he'll be yours. You don't even need a culinary weapon here, although if you're interested, I would offer him an ITTY BITTY MERINGUE. It won't be so heavy that it leaves his tiny tummy bloated, but it will be a nice little sweet to set the mood.

With a little luck, the two of you will be Mutt and Jeff in no time! By the way, what does your man do in the elephant act? I'm almost afraid to know.

Fly with a net!

Liria Says:

Dear Fly Girl,

Is your letter a joke? If you're serious I've got to assume that under that lithe, limber, trapezy sort of frame, you look like Frankenstein. Well, Fly Girl, I'd use a different tactic. While having this little demi-dude should require no special skill, I can only imagine the ITTY BITTY MERINGUE is gonna kill the mood. I say feed him with optimism. Make my GIANT "HUNK-O-MAN" TOFFEE BARS. Haven't you heard that people live up to our expectations?

If you really do bark like a dog, Fly, by all means add alcohol to the mix. Even little people have their standards.

Happy swinging!

Dating A Married Man

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I've been dating a married man for the better part of three years and I think he's cheating on me. Our plan has always been that we'll get married as soon as he leaves his wife. But now, I'm worried that he's going to dump me for another woman.

Heartsick in Sarasota

Whitney Says:

Dear Sick,

Hellooooo... McFly?... Is anyone home? Knock...knock...knock... First and foremost, you ARE the other woman; for three years none-the-less. I am clearly not going to vote for your continued relationship here. Mr. Man is already cheating on the woman he vowed to love, honor, and cherish. So chances are he was destined to cheat on you in the same way. The way I see it, you have two options.

1.) Break up with him immediately.

2.) Break up with him immediately and give him a small parting gift. After all, there is nothing like a little botulism to remember you by.

I suggest making him my OOEY GOOEY "Livin Large" LASAGNA with a can of tomotoes that has been left opened in the refrigerator for a month. Once you meet a better man, you can make him the same dish with fresh ingredients. I guarantee that he will hang around to see what you make next.

Vengeance is yours!

P.S. Being that I'm not legally allowed to recommend poisoning someone, please know that if you follow this advice, may it be on your head.

Liria Says:

Dear Sick,

One word, OxyMORON!! He can't be cheating on YOU. That you don't know this explains the liberal use of capitalization above. Brace yourself, Missy, you're already history. My best advice? Get ready for the big heave-ho with practice. Whenever I've been dropped I've softened the blow with two sure-fire remedies, my JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THESE APPLE MARTINIS and my Chocolate Chip Orgasms. At times like these it's important to remember the good things you can do for yourself.

Once you've moved on, try my "DUMB AS A DOORKNOB AND STILL CAN'T FAIL" MAC N' CHEESE.

Recipes I can help with. Can't do a thing for stupid.

I Gave Him My Number...

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I met a guy at my friend's birthday party last weekend and he asked for my phone number. I still haven't heard from him. What do I do? Should I call him?

Anxious

Whitney Says:

Dear Anxious,

Ah, the age old question; should I wait for him to ring me or should I bite the bullet and call first? I tend to be a little old fashioned about things like calling the boy before he's called you. I worry that you might appear too easy. My suggestion is to talk to your friend and find out the particulars on this fella ASAP. If he is indeed a nice guy, have your friend ring him up. Have her casually ask him if he met any nice gals at her party. Then have her relay that her friend, Anxious (you), has already been called by three different men. Bottom line: she plays stupid, all the while letting him know what a popular dish you are. Sometimes the simpler sex needs to know that the object of their desire is also desired by others. It helps to get the ball rolling. While you're waiting for this to all play out, whip up a pitcher of my MARVELOUS MANGO MARGARITAS... the time will pass quicker.

Chin up Cupcake and keep me posted,

Liria Says:

Dear Anxious,

There's nothing wrong with giving a guy your number. Where you fell off the turnip truck was waiting for him to call you. Next time, if you're interested get his number. That way you're in the driver's seat. Speaking of driver's seats, you might want to try a little trick our Whitney uses. She has a business card without ANY contact information on it. And she's the dominitrix of cookies in Hollywood because of it. Moral of this story, oh anxious one, they all want what they can't get... at least at first... at least easily. Believe me, I've been easy one too many times, and you don't want any part of THAT!

Withold and Win!

I'm Sleeping With My Boss

Dear Whitney & Liria,

I have been having an affair with my boss for three months and I'm ready to take the relationship to the next level, but he's not. What should I do?

A Secretary in Seattle

Whitney Says:

Dear Secretary,

There are a couple ways to handle this little dilemma. But before we go there, I need you to be sure that this man is really worthy of you. Really think about it before reading on.

Now, if you still want a future with your boss, here are your options.

1.) Give him an ultimatum. This can be tricky because he might just say, "Fine, let's break up." However, I am happily married today (and for many years) because my ultimatum worked. Keep in mind though, that you have to walk away if that's what he decides. Nine times out of ten he's just testing you.

2.) This technique is a little more powerful and may also make him very angry. It's called The Sexual Harrassment Lawsuit. Maybe just drop casually in conversation that you have been feeling harassed and see how that goes.

Whichever technique you try, I wish you good luck. When things work out for the best (whichever way they go), make yourself a delicious BEYOND BUBBLY CHAMPAGNE COCKTAIL to toast your future!

Cheers!

Liria Says:

Dear Seattle,

You FLIRT with the boss, you SLEEP with the Arrowhead guy... honey, has experience taught you nothing? Well, look on the bright side, Monster.com makes it possible to distribute your resume on line anonymously. That should help. Particularly if you want to give this affair your best shot. You're gonna need a new job (or offer) just so he knows you're serious and doesn't have the power to fire you if you make a scene. With that in mind, get your trollopy little ducks in a row and then fire away. Invite him over for my famous MARYLAND BLUE CRAB (The Only Kind of Crabs to Get) CAKES and let him know how you feel. Pin him down though.

And if he doesn't want you, quit. There's no future once you've slept with the boss unless you marry him. Believe me, I know.

Remember Bridget Jones,

I'm Attracted To My Son's Friend

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I am mortified to be writing this letter, but I'm desperate for guidance. I am a very well preserved mother of four. My oldest son in eighteen and his best friend, John (who I have known since he was a toddler), has recently started to make advances towards me. I'm only forty and I'm tempted to take him up on his offer. What's worrying me is what this will do to my relationship with my son if he finds out. Please help. I'm not sure how much longer I can withstand the pull of my raging hormones.

Mrs. Robinson in Maryland

Whitney Says:

Dear Mrs. R.,

Think back to the first Mrs. Robinson. The best thing that ever happened to her was that Simon and Garfunkel dedicated a song to her. I'm guessing they won' t do the same for you as they have long since broken up. I "get" the whole Ashton/Demi biological age thing, but please remember that no amount of hot boy sex is going to be worth jeopardizing your relationship with your son. Plain and simple, you are not too old to have relations with a man of legal age. But you are too old to have sex with your son's friend.

I am also assuming that you're not currently married. If you were, there would clearly be a plethora of additional reasons to keep it in your pants, as it were. If you are indeed in the market for a new man in your life, may I suggest reeling him in with my "COME TO MAMA" COCONUT CREAM PIE? Please do not use this recipe on John though. The consequences could be staggering.

Coocoocachoo Mrs. Robinson!

Liria Says:

Dear Mrs. Robinson,

You really do know this but you MUST keep this boy's meat out of your stew! There's nothing wrong with a trip to the butcher though! Find yourself some fresh meat... meat you can grind and saute with your peppers and onions. Take it home and throw it into my "I'M SO HOT I GOTTA WEAR SHADES" CHILI. And wash it down with some ice water Mama. If things are still too hot, get yourself into an icy shower.

Once you've come back to your senses, you can cook with the best of 'em!

Sheesh!

How Many Men Is Too Many?

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I'm thirty-two and single. I'm writing because I recently told a friend how many men I've slept with and she called me a slut. What I want to know is, do you think that thirty-two men is too many for someone my age? I mean, it's only two guys a year since I lost my virginity as sixteen.

Having fun in Philly

Whitney Says:

Dear Open for Business,

How do I say this without hurting your feelings? You are a total slut! Thirty-two men? Sweet mother of God! You my dear are a whore with a capital "H". Your poor mother would roll over in her grave if she knew. And if she's not already dead, this news would certainly do the trick.

Powers that be say that you are a born again virgin if you can abstain from doing the nasty for six months. I encourage you to try this. Every time you start to feel frisky, I want you to make a batch of my BIG BAD BLONDIES and let's see if we can't divert some of your misspent energy.

Yours in Christ,

Liria Says:

Dear Fun,

Two men a year? Sounds to me like you can find a man, you just can't keep one. You don't need religion; just a little testosterone fly-paper and you'll be good as new. When Whitney hops down from her high horse, she should be able to give you all kinds of recipes to keep the next one from ever leaving.

We've got to do something about that revolving door, Cookie. I vote for culinary school. Give yourself six months, and choose number thirty-three carefully. He oughtta be a keeper. If by this time next year the sign above your bed reads thirty five served, well, fun is too much fun. Just remember you're not getting any younger. If you don't change your ways eventually, she who started as Fun in Philly is likely to become The Jezebel of South Florida's early-bird-special set. And really, how fun is that?

Fun, get thee to a cookery!

Sex With A Friend

Dear Whitney & Liria,

I am currently not dating anyone but I still find myself with needs. My friend Phil is in the same boat. We are thinking about sleeping with each other just to satisfy our physical desires. Do you think this is a good idea?

Looking for a good time

Whitney Says:

Dear Looking,

If Phil is already your friend and you're attracted enough to each other to consider fornication, why aren't you dating? It is in fact ideal to be friends with your mate before you actually mate. Therefore, I would say no to your plans of no-strings-attached sex. There are ALWAYS strings. Make Phil take you out to dinner and court you properly. Then on the morning after... you can make him my SOUR CREAM COFFEE CAKE as a reward.

Have some standards!

Liria Says:

Dear Looking,

I feel your pain. Here's the thing you want to remember, and mark my words; the minute, I mean the millisecond you realize he's a good lover, you will be writing asking for more advice. You will be incapable of playing by the rules YOU made. He, on the other hand, will wonder how it got so complicated. He will regret the strain on your friendship but, being a guy, he won't actually ever talk to you about it. You will want, you will ooze want. You will pine, you may lament, you're likely to cry and frankly, I'd like you to SHUT UP!

By the way, if he's lousy in bed, there goes the friendship too. You deny it, but it's true. How will you ever be able to be a supportive friend with that smirk on your face? In conclusion?

Just say NO!

I'm Just His Booty Call

Dear Whitney and Liria,

There is this guy that I like but he only uses me for a booty call. How can I make him see me as girlfriend material?

Not Good Enough

Whitney Says:

Dear Not,

Sweetheart, he only sees you as a booty call because you've apparentley let him. Never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER let a man use you for sex when you want more. It's just not done. I'm certain this fellow will never ask you out until you close the all-night service station. Remember, if your booty is good enough to call, it's good enough to take out to dinner and meet his parents some day. Should that day ever come, make my FESTIVE FRITTATA!

Remember, you're booty-ful!

Liria Says:

Dear Not,

You can't! Really. When they come over for dessert, it's nearly impossible to get them to eat their vegetables. In case you want to try, make my SUPER SIMPLE NEVER FAILS GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE. Not only will you learn a thing or two about his relationship to holidays, it's sure to add an element of Betty Crocker to the Mae West impression you've created.

If you're shopping for the long haul, you absolutely CANNOT let yourself fall into the booty call category. Take it from a girl who's got (and gotten) more than her share of tail (J-Lo eat your heart out!). One of the hardest lessons a single girl has to learn is that for men there are so many booties, so little time. If you want yours to stand out, don't offer it with the buffet.

Learn to be hard-to-get and the world is yours!

Single Mother Needs Date!

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I have four small children under the age on ten, and am divorced. I am ready to start dating again but wonder if I should even bother. I mean, what man in his right mind is going to be interested in a future with me?

Mommy Malaise

Whitney Says:

Dear Mom,

You ain't kidding sister! The answer is simple. No man in his right mind is going to want to get tangled up with you. Therefore, if you are really interested in going back on the meat market, you are truly going to have to look for a man not in his right mind. This can be a dicey venture as you must make sure that while a little unhinged, he is neither criminally insane, or a criminal of any type for that matter. Your first priority is your younguns after all.

My next thought is to ply him with alcohol. A drunken man is not as likely to remember how many kiddies you actually have... yet you run the risk of him seeing double and thinking there are eight. Tough spot.

Maybe Liria has something helpful. But, in case you do opt for getting him drunk, make MY MOM'S ARTILLERY PUNCH. It pretty much consists of every kind of booze in the liquor cabinet... on ice. Have a taxi on speed dial if you or he drink more than a sip.

Good luck!

Liria Says:

Dear Mal,

First of all, four beautiful little people aren't a liability honey, unless you're looking for child support. What you need is a stable of good baby sitting help and an overnight bag.

Don't worry, just cause you'd have to find a Brady Bunch wanna-be to think long term (and then THINK who you'd be sleeping with) doesn't mean you can't get out for a little adult entertainment from time to time. First get the babysitting thing squared away, then join one of the best online dating services out there. Besides, most men have a very loose definition of what constitutes a date. Believe me, your children really don't factor into it. You'll be surprised at how easy it is to be a multi-tasking mommy. Get yourself all set up and get out there and RIDE THAT COWBOY! Whoooo hooo!!! Oops (sorry).

By the way, if you land one of the rare remaining good guys, keep the conversation vague long enough that you stand a chance. And Mal, if you lose him once he learns the truth, would you please send him my way?

Always happy to help,

Whitney Says:

Dear Liria,

Wee tiny concern with your advice on this one. Mommy said she wanted to get out and date. I construe "date" to mean have dinner, a glass of wine, and get to know each other (this is where she needs to come clean about her brood). You, my pet, seem to think that by date she means a shag fest... we best ask Mommy which she is after so we're clear on how to advise her.

I simply worry that if she's just looking for a roll in the hay, she might wind up single with five little one to raise. She seems very fertile.

So... Mommy, please get back to us and let us know. Are you looking for love or a good time?

Either way, use protection!

Liria Says:

Hey Whit,

I'm a realist. I got a letter from a chick with a crisis of confidence, four kids and a libido who says she wants to date. Well, honey, fortunately for her, libido is my department. I say she can date. I say she can have dinner. She can have a glass of wine. She can get to know him in any one of a number of creative ways.

Whit, I say she can have her dessert and eat it too. I stand by my advice.

Have a cookie.

P.S.: Just actually read your advice, Whit. You suggested she find and date, 1) a madman who isn't also a criminal, or 2) a regular guy she'll have to get so drunk he won't be able to see straight. Hmmm. I gotta tell you I don't think she needs to find someone who's just flown over the cuckoo's nest but I've had your MY MOM'S ARTILLERY PUNCH, and that's a recipe every single girl needs to memorize!

Drunk on the First Date

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I have done the unthinkable! My friend set me up with the nicest, funniest, most gorgeous guy in the world! The problem is that we had one date and I got so nervous that I drank too much. Then, to make matters worse, I threw up on him. I know he's never going to ask me out again, but I just can't get him out of my mind. What do I do?

Mortified

Whitney Says:

Dear Morty,

Good lord, girlfriend, what were you thinking? This kind of man does not come around everyday, as I'm sure you know. I venture to say that you would have stood a better chance going out again if you farted on him in a small car, with the windows rolled up. But I know how horrible you feel and I really don't want to make you feel worse (although your stupidity really does astound me).

Here's what you do. Write the man a nice note explaining that you contracted the rare Bunga Bunga Flu and that is the reason you blew chunks on him. Tell him how sorry you are and then inquire after his own health. Then offer to cook him a nice meal to make up for your horrific faux pas.

If you don't hear from him, it's probably because he couldn't get the smell of puke out of his suede jacket. If he does call, you're making MY-OH-MY MIRACULOUS MEATLOAF!

Don't drink this time!

Liria Says:

Dear Mortified,

File this one under "I" for irredeemable. You can't REALLY hope to fix this. It's sad yes, and normally I'd advise you to whip up a pitcher of something sweet and inebriating, but since you can't hold your liquor, by all means have a cookie. Have a double batch of my CHOCOLATE CHIP ORGASMS. You'll need 'em! If word gets out, you're never dating again.

Your best bet all around is to join a twelve step program. Not a bad suggestion for ANY girl looking for love, but particularly apropos for you. There you will find a room full of the only humans who will ever understand. Stay sober long enough, one of them is bound to take a chance on you.

I'm mortified too!

High School Reunion Hotty

Dear Whitney & Liria,

I'm going to my ten year high school class reunion next month and I'm hoping to hook up with the football player I had a HUGE crush on all throughout senior year. Do you have any tips for me?

Lovelorn in Lousianna

Whitney Says:

Dear Lou,

This is a toughy. I mean, the reunion is going to be catered, so you can't really show up with a fried drumstick down your blouse, can you? Before I begin to wrack my brain for a culinary solution to your fix, I feel honor-bound to tell you that while you still hold the image of Mr. Stud Muffin Hunky Buns in your head, chances are your high school heart throb has changed. While still bearing some resemblance to his former self (which he probably won't at the fifteen year), he is most likely shorter, balder, and fatter than you remember.

Now, if you still think you want his varsity pin, listen up. Instead of perfume, I want you to dab a little vanilla extract on all your steamy pulse points. Instead of lip gloss, use corn syrup (just try not to lick it off). And finally your hair; if you're a brunette, rinse it in beer. This will give you a nice shine all the while reminding him of a good burp and a football game (two things he's bound to love being a man). If you are blonde, rinse your hair in lemon juice. That oughtta remind him of a tall glass of lemonade.

If I'm right and he's not the end-all-to-die-for that you remember, I have two words for you: Bill Gates. Now that you're all tarted up, don't let this opportunity go to waste. Search out the biggest geek in your class and bat your eyes at him. Chances are he's worth millions more than Mr. Football.

GOOOOOOOOO Team!!!

Liria Says:

Dear Lovelorn,

Before I start dishing advice and recipes, just one question. If you can hold onto a crush for nine years, eleven months, how long can you hold a grudge if things don't go your way? I'm guessing that for a variety of reasons we could call you Fido from Louisiana. That's what I see as your advantage. You don't let go. Well I say good for you! I have no idea whether you'll get this man next month. Really, who knows? If you want to invest in trying, get a room at the reunion hotel, pick up a bottle of scotch for him and make a batch of my "Before I Offer Him the Poison" Apple Martinis for you, and invite him up. If he's married, invite her too. If all goes South at least you won't have to drive. Go up to your room and plot your revenge for the next gathering.

Who says only whiny losers are still hung up on the football team ten years later?

Revenge is sweet (and sour mix)!