Trap Him, Feed Him, Keep Him

Not Mary Poppins

Dear Whitney and Liria,

My fiance's very fertile sister is going to have her fifth child in about a month. She asked that we watch all four of her (under the age of 7) kids the night after she gives birth. It is important that I appear very child friendly to his family (as he is one of 9). my question is, what do I feed these little people other than boiled hot dogs or pizza delivery? I want them to report back to their mother and grandmother that I am fabulous.

Not Mary Poppins

Whitney Says:

Dear Mary,

Remember, just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down. In this case, the medicine is watching four little rug rats while their mom brings forth a fifth. The medicine? Homemade Pizzas! Just buy some ready made dough from the market and portion it off so that each one of the little critters can make their own. If that doesn't prove to everyone what a domestic you are nothing will. Plus the kids will adore you for including them in the grown up process of cooking. For dessert? Try a FROSTY ROOTBEER FLOAT and you will float into the hearts of all!

Remember, Mary Poppins is positively perfect in every way!

Liria Says:

Dear Not Poppins,

Semi-homemade is the art of illusion and this is one of the most important domestic arts to master. My question for you is how rough ARE your domestic skills?  If you CAN pull off diinner, I'd try a simple spaghetti and some homemade cheesy bread. If boiling water, cooking noodles, pouring Ragu (kids love it) and melting cheese is beyond your scope, get kid-friendly Italian take-out the night before and reheat. Nothing fancy.

Two ways to get some BIG extra-credit points if you can pull off some very simple cooking: 1) Chocolate cake for desert. A mix is easy and it's the frosting kids love. 2) Send the leftovers home so the Breeders don't have to worry about dinner the next night.

Kids will never complain about spaghetti leftovers and you'll look like Lady Bountiful to the whole family.

Word will get out that your a keeper!

The Other Woman

Dear Whitney & Liria,

My is husband is constantly checking out other women when we're out together. I've told him how much it bothers me but he just claims that he isn't doing it. Help!

The Other Woman

Whitney Says:

Dear Other,

My darling girl, there is such an obvious solution that I'm frankly surprised you haven't figured it out for yourself. You must simply return the favor. Next time you and the old ball-and-chain go out, I want you to drool over the waiter, bag boy, or gas station attendant like he's a big old slab of myCHEERY CHERRY PIE. Make sure to make some yummy sounds and perhaps groan a little. When your husband calls you on your behavior, tell him you have no idea what he's talking about. If he's worth his salt, he'll stop his lecherous ways ASAP.

Don't forget to pit your cherries!

Liria says:

Dear Other,

A little When Harry Met Sally medicine is indeed in order. If you're up for a slightly bolder approach, pack a couple slices of that deliciously decadent Cheery Cherry Pie and take hubby to Starbucks for their coffee and your pie. Muster your courage, and really E-N-J-O-Y. Like Sally, spare no sound effects.

By the time you're done with your performance, you could throw your own pie-eating contest and hubby will know it too.

That oughtta keep him attentive to the most important woman in the world, You!

Altar Bound

Dear Whitney & Liria,

My mom hates my fiance Bill. She doesn't even try to get along with him. We're getting married in two months and I don't know what to do. All this fighting is making me crazy!

Altar Bound

Whitney Says:

Dear Altar,

First off, ask yourself if your mom has a perspective that you might not.

1. Does your finace treat you well?

2. Does he love you?

3. Does he cherish you?

If the answer to all of these questions is yes, it's time to schedule a meeting with your mother.

Here's what you need to express to her:

1. Bill loves me.

2. You've already made your choice, now let me make mine.

3. Bill and I are going to build a life together. We hope you will be a part of that life but if you are, you have got to accept us as a couple and quit picking fights.

This will leave the ball entirely in her court. Let her decide if she can live within the boundaries you have set up. If she says she can, hold her to it. If she says she can't then be prepared to have a wedding without her. Serve her one of my KILLER GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES. It may just help her see the light!

Happiness is in your own hands~

Liria Says:

Dear Bound,

Mothers usually say their piece and then stand silently and quietly by their daughter's decisions. What's up with your mom and your fiance that they are fighting? I don't like that mom is picking fights. But it takes two to actually... you know, fight. What's your fiance's role in this tango?

It's crunch-time for you, Altar. You've got to assess this one and your future is riding on it. I'd hate to see you unhappily bound on the other side of the altar.

Make them both a KILLER GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH and let them know how much you hate being in the middle. You need to speak to both of them now. It's too important to forever hold your piece.

Self-Made Booty Call

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I have really done it this time. I think I've turned myself into a booty call in the eyes of a great guy. Can you help me fix this? I'd like to keep my options open and don't want to be seen simply as a late-night date. Here's my story…

We met at a friend's house after the rodeo. I was really into him. He felt the same. We exchanged numbers. I didn't hear from him for the typical week or two.

He invited me to a few parties. I'd stop by at the end of the night (after going out with my girlfriends) and have a drink or two and give him a quick kiss on the cheek. Nothing serious.

Then he invited me to his b-day bash and once again I showed up late… but not as late this time.

Well, That's when it started. We couldn't keep our hands off each other! We headed for his bedroom and didn't leave til the next day. He called the following week to see how I was. He made a few attempts asking me to meet him for a beer or come hang out. But every time he called I already had plans with my girls. So I would tell him I'd call when we got done. Well somehow I turned this great guy into a late night call.... a booty call.

It's not exactly what I wanted but I am not sure if I wanted to jump into a relationship either. How can I just as easily and casually get it back to the regular playing field? I would love to get out of this booty call slump before it is what we become to each other. But I don't want to stop having sex with him either.

What can I do?

Self Made Booty Call

Whitney Says:

Sugar Plum,

If you want to get back on an even playing field, you first have to get off your back!

Geezy Lou, talk about wanting it all right now. The problem is that your guy is not going to want to back pedal now that he’s gotten you horizontal. I think you may need to talk to your man and tell him that you are no longer into the booty call thing. Then inform him that if he wants to date you for real, it will involve actually leaving the bedroom. Do your best to keep your knees together for a bit though or you’ll wind up just the booty call again.

On a final note… quit eating meat! Try a lovely vegetarian recipe. WHITNEY'S FESTIVE FRITTATA will help keep you chaste!

Liria Says:

Note to Self,

Listen up! You can't play both sides of that fence. There's nothing wrong with riding this cowboy, you're just not gonna ride him into the sunset.

You've fallen into the modern party-girls courtship trap. You're trying to play like a man and you just weren't built for it. Now that you've trained this guy to see you as his 2am appointment, of course you want him to take you seriously. Like clockwork, it never fails.

You, my girl, never wanted a relationship with rodeo-dude or you would have thrown your girlfriends over at the first hint of love.

Unlike us, most men take no pride in taming a player... so odds of turning this around are slim. If you want to try, you're gonna need to go cold-turkey. No "booty call" and no "I'm partying with my girls" for you. Try something unexpected. See him in daylight. Tell him you're studying or visiting your grandmother next time he suggests the kind of late-night rendezvous you've trained him to expect.

If you make it past square one, READ THIS. You're not the only booty call-girl with questions, but you're the first to know you've made this bed yourself!

Expecting

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I just found out that I am three months pregnant. The problem is that my boyfriend and I have only been dating for two months. We really love each other and I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him, so I'm thinking about letting him think the baby is his. Do you think this will work?

Expecting

Whitney Says:

Dear Expecting,

I am calling on all my training as a lady not to call you a whole slew of unsavory epithets. Yet the word "TRASH" seems to keep flashing through my head. The answer to your question is a loud and resounding NO!!!

I realize that you want to have your cake and eat it too, but passing off your child as another man's is not an option. When you began breeding, your first obligation became to you child. And while your baby will be much better off with a father, he/she will not benefit from your lie. Your child and your boyfriend WILL find out the truth one day and they will not thank you for it.

Therefore my recommendation is to quit watching Jerry Springer and level with your boyfriend. Tell him how much you love him (2 whole months worth!), then tell him the truth. Let him decide if he's ready to play daddy. Make him a nice big batch of Pigs in the Blanket to soften the blow.

Geesh!

Liria Says:

Dear Expecting,

Whitney Whitney Whitney… turn down the volume on your judgment, babe. Expecting isn't trash, she's simply a girl who doesn't care to be single.

Having a life before you meet a man is no crime. Unfortunately entrapment is.

What a clever girl you are though. Since you don't trust your two-month old relationship to withstand the truth, you've conceived a cunning lie to secure your family's future.

Your brilliant plan has every chance of working too, as long as neither your boyfriend nor any of his family or friends can count to nine.

Now would someone pass me the pan of White Trash Bars? The commercial's almost over and… hey, wait, isn't that Expecting on Springer?

SOUP IS GOOD FOOD!

Hot For A Midget

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I'm a trapeze artist in the circus and I have the hots for one of the migets in the elephant act. I'm afraid to put the moves on him for fear of embarrasing myself. What should I do?

Flying Through the Air

Whitney Says:

Dear Flying,

For a woman who loves to talk, you have rendered me utterly speechless. This is kinky, kinky stuff. While I'm not going to tell you about my own adventures with the husband and the garden hose, it's safe to say that I have nothing against defying the norm in the boudoir.

So...I must tell you that I'm pretty sure your midget has had fantasies of getting slippery with a tall (because even if you're short to the rest of the world, you're tall to him) limber, trapeze artist. I see this as a no brainer. All you have to do is let the object of your desire know that you're interested and he'll be yours. You don't even need a culinary weapon here, although if you're interested, I would offer him an ITTY BITTY MERINGUE. It won't be so heavy that it leaves his tiny tummy bloated, but it will be a nice little sweet to set the mood.

With a little luck, the two of you will be Mutt and Jeff in no time! By the way, what does your man do in the elephant act? I'm almost afraid to know.

Fly with a net!

Liria Says:

Dear Fly Girl,

Is your letter a joke? If you're serious I've got to assume that under that lithe, limber, trapezy sort of frame, you look like Frankenstein. Well, Fly Girl, I'd use a different tactic. While having this little demi-dude should require no special skill, I can only imagine the ITTY BITTY MERINGUE is gonna kill the mood. I say feed him with optimism. Make my GIANT "HUNK-O-MAN" TOFFEE BARS. Haven't you heard that people live up to our expectations?

If you really do bark like a dog, Fly, by all means add alcohol to the mix. Even little people have their standards.

Happy swinging!

His Exes Are Cramping My Style

Dear Whitney and Liria,

My boyfriend insists on staying friends with his ex-girlfriends and this really bothers me. Should I tell him how I feel?

One in a Harem

Whitney Says:

Dear One,

Of course you should tell him! The only women that your boyfriend should currently see that have seen him naked are you and his mother. You don't need a bunch of other gals hanging around that know all about his packaging. It's just not right. If he is in fact some kind of Sheik and you are truly one in a harem, then you deserve what you get. Try my SAVORY STUFFED FIGS, they're marvelous!

No more veils~

Liria Says:

Dear Harem Girl,

So you think you're in a harem, huh? I think it's time to do some soul searching. Is there anyone in your past that your boyfriend might prefer you didn't know? As I see it, you have a couple of options.

You could give him an ultimatum: you or the exes. And Whitney makes an excellent point. But too often threats just drive his relationships underground. Men are notorious for hedging their bets.

Second, the more reasonable approach goes well with a bottle of Merlot. It's a generous cup of my "Simpler Than Throwing Him Out" MUSHROOM SOUP. Just remember, everybody's had a life. Talk to him about what's making you uncomfortable. Listen to him. Asses his reactions. Do some soul searching Girl, maybe it's time you get a life too!

SOUP IS GOOD FOOD!

Dating A Married Man

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I've been dating a married man for the better part of three years and I think he's cheating on me. Our plan has always been that we'll get married as soon as he leaves his wife. But now, I'm worried that he's going to dump me for another woman.

Heartsick in Sarasota

Whitney Says:

Dear Sick,

Hellooooo... McFly?... Is anyone home? Knock...knock...knock... First and foremost, you ARE the other woman; for three years none-the-less. I am clearly not going to vote for your continued relationship here. Mr. Man is already cheating on the woman he vowed to love, honor, and cherish. So chances are he was destined to cheat on you in the same way. The way I see it, you have two options.

1.) Break up with him immediately.

2.) Break up with him immediately and give him a small parting gift. After all, there is nothing like a little botulism to remember you by.

I suggest making him my OOEY GOOEY "Livin Large" LASAGNA with a can of tomotoes that has been left opened in the refrigerator for a month. Once you meet a better man, you can make him the same dish with fresh ingredients. I guarantee that he will hang around to see what you make next.

Vengeance is yours!

P.S. Being that I'm not legally allowed to recommend poisoning someone, please know that if you follow this advice, may it be on your head.

Liria Says:

Dear Sick,

One word, OxyMORON!! He can't be cheating on YOU. That you don't know this explains the liberal use of capitalization above. Brace yourself, Missy, you're already history. My best advice? Get ready for the big heave-ho with practice. Whenever I've been dropped I've softened the blow with two sure-fire remedies, my JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THESE APPLE MARTINIS and my Chocolate Chip Orgasms. At times like these it's important to remember the good things you can do for yourself.

Once you've moved on, try my "DUMB AS A DOORKNOB AND STILL CAN'T FAIL" MAC N' CHEESE.

Recipes I can help with. Can't do a thing for stupid.

Trying For Cyber Love

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I've recently signed up with an on-line dating service. Do you think this is a good way to meet men?

Trying for Cyber Love

Whitney Says:

Dear Trying,

I have been with the same man for seventeen years and therefore have a healthy skepticism about computer generated love. I'm not saying that it's wrong, it just makes me nervous. I mean, who are these men? Are they felons? Do they smell? It's just so easy to lie about yourself online. Take a picture for instance. Someone can post a photo of themselves that's ten years old and has been doctored within an inch of its' life. It seems to me that you have to wade through a lot of crap to find someone worthy.

Hence, I am going to throw this question to Liria. As a singleton, herself, I think she may have some better advice for you.

Try my Salmon Mousse, its delicious!

Liria Says:

Hey Whit,

Just because I've been around the virtual block a time or two doesn't mean I've got ALL the answers. But I'll give it go...

Dear Trying,

In the virtual dating world, there are three things to remember:

1.) If it doesn't work, you can't take it personally.
2.) If you don't have his number (and that's LAND line, Darlin') he's married.
3.) Before you cast a wide net (geographically speaking) make sure you're really willing to relocate (or he is). It is NOT PLEASANT to fall in love with someone and then find that suburban Baltimore is not a place you can spend the rest of your life. (Don't ask!)

Once you've navigated the waters above, send him a basket of our baked goods. That way, he knows you're domestic and you know his address! The most important tool for a serious on-line love quest? A good private investigator!

Snoop on McDuff!

Where Do I Find A Man?

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I'm a twenty-eight year old physical therapist and the only single men I ever meet are either eighty and crippled or they have had a head injury. What should I do to find Mr. Right?

Desperate in Des Moines

Whitney Says:

Dear Desperate,

Don’t Despair! There are a million ways to meet Mr. Right. I recommend getting together with all of the single gals you know and throwing a cocktail party. If each girl invites five men (remember, one girl’s trash is another’s Trojan) and brings an hors de oeuvre, you are sure to find one or two gentlemen of interest. Make my STUFFED MUSHROOM CAPS. They are guaranteeed to make men drool!

Happy Hunting,

Liria Says:

Dear Desperate,

Your letter makes me wonder exactly who here has had the head injury. I have two words for you, Sports Medecine. You, honey, clearly need a new job. Get yourself out there and discover a new batch of slightly clumsy studs who, coincidentally, are a wee bit less agile that they once were. Look, Desperate, here's your chance. They can't outrun you while they're injured. Physical therapy can be fantastic hunting ground for a girl with a purpose. Forget the mushrooms, make him a batch of my "REAL HIM IN, SUGAR" COOKIES to take along to the office and get your Florence Nightingale on!

Go get those jocks!