Trap Him, Feed Him, Keep Him

Not Mary Poppins

Dear Whitney and Liria,

My fiance's very fertile sister is going to have her fifth child in about a month. She asked that we watch all four of her (under the age of 7) kids the night after she gives birth. It is important that I appear very child friendly to his family (as he is one of 9). my question is, what do I feed these little people other than boiled hot dogs or pizza delivery? I want them to report back to their mother and grandmother that I am fabulous.

Not Mary Poppins

Whitney Says:

Dear Mary,

Remember, just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down. In this case, the medicine is watching four little rug rats while their mom brings forth a fifth. The medicine? Homemade Pizzas! Just buy some ready made dough from the market and portion it off so that each one of the little critters can make their own. If that doesn't prove to everyone what a domestic you are nothing will. Plus the kids will adore you for including them in the grown up process of cooking. For dessert? Try a FROSTY ROOTBEER FLOAT and you will float into the hearts of all!

Remember, Mary Poppins is positively perfect in every way!

Liria Says:

Dear Not Poppins,

Semi-homemade is the art of illusion and this is one of the most important domestic arts to master. My question for you is how rough ARE your domestic skills?  If you CAN pull off diinner, I'd try a simple spaghetti and some homemade cheesy bread. If boiling water, cooking noodles, pouring Ragu (kids love it) and melting cheese is beyond your scope, get kid-friendly Italian take-out the night before and reheat. Nothing fancy.

Two ways to get some BIG extra-credit points if you can pull off some very simple cooking: 1) Chocolate cake for desert. A mix is easy and it's the frosting kids love. 2) Send the leftovers home so the Breeders don't have to worry about dinner the next night.

Kids will never complain about spaghetti leftovers and you'll look like Lady Bountiful to the whole family.

Word will get out that your a keeper!

The Other Woman

Dear Whitney & Liria,

My is husband is constantly checking out other women when we're out together. I've told him how much it bothers me but he just claims that he isn't doing it. Help!

The Other Woman

Whitney Says:

Dear Other,

My darling girl, there is such an obvious solution that I'm frankly surprised you haven't figured it out for yourself. You must simply return the favor. Next time you and the old ball-and-chain go out, I want you to drool over the waiter, bag boy, or gas station attendant like he's a big old slab of myCHEERY CHERRY PIE. Make sure to make some yummy sounds and perhaps groan a little. When your husband calls you on your behavior, tell him you have no idea what he's talking about. If he's worth his salt, he'll stop his lecherous ways ASAP.

Don't forget to pit your cherries!

Liria says:

Dear Other,

A little When Harry Met Sally medicine is indeed in order. If you're up for a slightly bolder approach, pack a couple slices of that deliciously decadent Cheery Cherry Pie and take hubby to Starbucks for their coffee and your pie. Muster your courage, and really E-N-J-O-Y. Like Sally, spare no sound effects.

By the time you're done with your performance, you could throw your own pie-eating contest and hubby will know it too.

That oughtta keep him attentive to the most important woman in the world, You!

Altar Bound

Dear Whitney & Liria,

My mom hates my fiance Bill. She doesn't even try to get along with him. We're getting married in two months and I don't know what to do. All this fighting is making me crazy!

Altar Bound

Whitney Says:

Dear Altar,

First off, ask yourself if your mom has a perspective that you might not.

1. Does your finace treat you well?

2. Does he love you?

3. Does he cherish you?

If the answer to all of these questions is yes, it's time to schedule a meeting with your mother.

Here's what you need to express to her:

1. Bill loves me.

2. You've already made your choice, now let me make mine.

3. Bill and I are going to build a life together. We hope you will be a part of that life but if you are, you have got to accept us as a couple and quit picking fights.

This will leave the ball entirely in her court. Let her decide if she can live within the boundaries you have set up. If she says she can, hold her to it. If she says she can't then be prepared to have a wedding without her. Serve her one of my KILLER GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES. It may just help her see the light!

Happiness is in your own hands~

Liria Says:

Dear Bound,

Mothers usually say their piece and then stand silently and quietly by their daughter's decisions. What's up with your mom and your fiance that they are fighting? I don't like that mom is picking fights. But it takes two to actually... you know, fight. What's your fiance's role in this tango?

It's crunch-time for you, Altar. You've got to assess this one and your future is riding on it. I'd hate to see you unhappily bound on the other side of the altar.

Make them both a KILLER GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH and let them know how much you hate being in the middle. You need to speak to both of them now. It's too important to forever hold your piece.

Self-Made Booty Call

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I have really done it this time. I think I've turned myself into a booty call in the eyes of a great guy. Can you help me fix this? I'd like to keep my options open and don't want to be seen simply as a late-night date. Here's my story…

We met at a friend's house after the rodeo. I was really into him. He felt the same. We exchanged numbers. I didn't hear from him for the typical week or two.

He invited me to a few parties. I'd stop by at the end of the night (after going out with my girlfriends) and have a drink or two and give him a quick kiss on the cheek. Nothing serious.

Then he invited me to his b-day bash and once again I showed up late… but not as late this time.

Well, That's when it started. We couldn't keep our hands off each other! We headed for his bedroom and didn't leave til the next day. He called the following week to see how I was. He made a few attempts asking me to meet him for a beer or come hang out. But every time he called I already had plans with my girls. So I would tell him I'd call when we got done. Well somehow I turned this great guy into a late night call.... a booty call.

It's not exactly what I wanted but I am not sure if I wanted to jump into a relationship either. How can I just as easily and casually get it back to the regular playing field? I would love to get out of this booty call slump before it is what we become to each other. But I don't want to stop having sex with him either.

What can I do?

Self Made Booty Call

Whitney Says:

Sugar Plum,

If you want to get back on an even playing field, you first have to get off your back!

Geezy Lou, talk about wanting it all right now. The problem is that your guy is not going to want to back pedal now that he’s gotten you horizontal. I think you may need to talk to your man and tell him that you are no longer into the booty call thing. Then inform him that if he wants to date you for real, it will involve actually leaving the bedroom. Do your best to keep your knees together for a bit though or you’ll wind up just the booty call again.

On a final note… quit eating meat! Try a lovely vegetarian recipe. WHITNEY'S FESTIVE FRITTATA will help keep you chaste!

Liria Says:

Note to Self,

Listen up! You can't play both sides of that fence. There's nothing wrong with riding this cowboy, you're just not gonna ride him into the sunset.

You've fallen into the modern party-girls courtship trap. You're trying to play like a man and you just weren't built for it. Now that you've trained this guy to see you as his 2am appointment, of course you want him to take you seriously. Like clockwork, it never fails.

You, my girl, never wanted a relationship with rodeo-dude or you would have thrown your girlfriends over at the first hint of love.

Unlike us, most men take no pride in taming a player... so odds of turning this around are slim. If you want to try, you're gonna need to go cold-turkey. No "booty call" and no "I'm partying with my girls" for you. Try something unexpected. See him in daylight. Tell him you're studying or visiting your grandmother next time he suggests the kind of late-night rendezvous you've trained him to expect.

If you make it past square one, READ THIS. You're not the only booty call-girl with questions, but you're the first to know you've made this bed yourself!