Trap Him, Feed Him, Keep Him

Expecting

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I just found out that I am three months pregnant. The problem is that my boyfriend and I have only been dating for two months. We really love each other and I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him, so I'm thinking about letting him think the baby is his. Do you think this will work?

Expecting

Whitney Says:

Dear Expecting,

I am calling on all my training as a lady not to call you a whole slew of unsavory epithets. Yet the word "TRASH" seems to keep flashing through my head. The answer to your question is a loud and resounding NO!!!

I realize that you want to have your cake and eat it too, but passing off your child as another man's is not an option. When you began breeding, your first obligation became to you child. And while your baby will be much better off with a father, he/she will not benefit from your lie. Your child and your boyfriend WILL find out the truth one day and they will not thank you for it.

Therefore my recommendation is to quit watching Jerry Springer and level with your boyfriend. Tell him how much you love him (2 whole months worth!), then tell him the truth. Let him decide if he's ready to play daddy. Make him a nice big batch of Pigs in the Blanket to soften the blow.

Geesh!

Liria Says:

Dear Expecting,

Whitney Whitney Whitney… turn down the volume on your judgment, babe. Expecting isn't trash, she's simply a girl who doesn't care to be single.

Having a life before you meet a man is no crime. Unfortunately entrapment is.

What a clever girl you are though. Since you don't trust your two-month old relationship to withstand the truth, you've conceived a cunning lie to secure your family's future.

Your brilliant plan has every chance of working too, as long as neither your boyfriend nor any of his family or friends can count to nine.

Now would someone pass me the pan of White Trash Bars? The commercial's almost over and… hey, wait, isn't that Expecting on Springer?

SOUP IS GOOD FOOD!

Hot For A Midget

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I'm a trapeze artist in the circus and I have the hots for one of the migets in the elephant act. I'm afraid to put the moves on him for fear of embarrasing myself. What should I do?

Flying Through the Air

Whitney Says:

Dear Flying,

For a woman who loves to talk, you have rendered me utterly speechless. This is kinky, kinky stuff. While I'm not going to tell you about my own adventures with the husband and the garden hose, it's safe to say that I have nothing against defying the norm in the boudoir.

So...I must tell you that I'm pretty sure your midget has had fantasies of getting slippery with a tall (because even if you're short to the rest of the world, you're tall to him) limber, trapeze artist. I see this as a no brainer. All you have to do is let the object of your desire know that you're interested and he'll be yours. You don't even need a culinary weapon here, although if you're interested, I would offer him an ITTY BITTY MERINGUE. It won't be so heavy that it leaves his tiny tummy bloated, but it will be a nice little sweet to set the mood.

With a little luck, the two of you will be Mutt and Jeff in no time! By the way, what does your man do in the elephant act? I'm almost afraid to know.

Fly with a net!

Liria Says:

Dear Fly Girl,

Is your letter a joke? If you're serious I've got to assume that under that lithe, limber, trapezy sort of frame, you look like Frankenstein. Well, Fly Girl, I'd use a different tactic. While having this little demi-dude should require no special skill, I can only imagine the ITTY BITTY MERINGUE is gonna kill the mood. I say feed him with optimism. Make my GIANT "HUNK-O-MAN" TOFFEE BARS. Haven't you heard that people live up to our expectations?

If you really do bark like a dog, Fly, by all means add alcohol to the mix. Even little people have their standards.

Happy swinging!

His Exes Are Cramping My Style

Dear Whitney and Liria,

My boyfriend insists on staying friends with his ex-girlfriends and this really bothers me. Should I tell him how I feel?

One in a Harem

Whitney Says:

Dear One,

Of course you should tell him! The only women that your boyfriend should currently see that have seen him naked are you and his mother. You don't need a bunch of other gals hanging around that know all about his packaging. It's just not right. If he is in fact some kind of Sheik and you are truly one in a harem, then you deserve what you get. Try my SAVORY STUFFED FIGS, they're marvelous!

No more veils~

Liria Says:

Dear Harem Girl,

So you think you're in a harem, huh? I think it's time to do some soul searching. Is there anyone in your past that your boyfriend might prefer you didn't know? As I see it, you have a couple of options.

You could give him an ultimatum: you or the exes. And Whitney makes an excellent point. But too often threats just drive his relationships underground. Men are notorious for hedging their bets.

Second, the more reasonable approach goes well with a bottle of Merlot. It's a generous cup of my "Simpler Than Throwing Him Out" MUSHROOM SOUP. Just remember, everybody's had a life. Talk to him about what's making you uncomfortable. Listen to him. Asses his reactions. Do some soul searching Girl, maybe it's time you get a life too!

SOUP IS GOOD FOOD!

Dating A Married Man

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I've been dating a married man for the better part of three years and I think he's cheating on me. Our plan has always been that we'll get married as soon as he leaves his wife. But now, I'm worried that he's going to dump me for another woman.

Heartsick in Sarasota

Whitney Says:

Dear Sick,

Hellooooo... McFly?... Is anyone home? Knock...knock...knock... First and foremost, you ARE the other woman; for three years none-the-less. I am clearly not going to vote for your continued relationship here. Mr. Man is already cheating on the woman he vowed to love, honor, and cherish. So chances are he was destined to cheat on you in the same way. The way I see it, you have two options.

1.) Break up with him immediately.

2.) Break up with him immediately and give him a small parting gift. After all, there is nothing like a little botulism to remember you by.

I suggest making him my OOEY GOOEY "Livin Large" LASAGNA with a can of tomotoes that has been left opened in the refrigerator for a month. Once you meet a better man, you can make him the same dish with fresh ingredients. I guarantee that he will hang around to see what you make next.

Vengeance is yours!

P.S. Being that I'm not legally allowed to recommend poisoning someone, please know that if you follow this advice, may it be on your head.

Liria Says:

Dear Sick,

One word, OxyMORON!! He can't be cheating on YOU. That you don't know this explains the liberal use of capitalization above. Brace yourself, Missy, you're already history. My best advice? Get ready for the big heave-ho with practice. Whenever I've been dropped I've softened the blow with two sure-fire remedies, my JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THESE APPLE MARTINIS and my Chocolate Chip Orgasms. At times like these it's important to remember the good things you can do for yourself.

Once you've moved on, try my "DUMB AS A DOORKNOB AND STILL CAN'T FAIL" MAC N' CHEESE.

Recipes I can help with. Can't do a thing for stupid.

Trying For Cyber Love

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I've recently signed up with an on-line dating service. Do you think this is a good way to meet men?

Trying for Cyber Love

Whitney Says:

Dear Trying,

I have been with the same man for seventeen years and therefore have a healthy skepticism about computer generated love. I'm not saying that it's wrong, it just makes me nervous. I mean, who are these men? Are they felons? Do they smell? It's just so easy to lie about yourself online. Take a picture for instance. Someone can post a photo of themselves that's ten years old and has been doctored within an inch of its' life. It seems to me that you have to wade through a lot of crap to find someone worthy.

Hence, I am going to throw this question to Liria. As a singleton, herself, I think she may have some better advice for you.

Try my Salmon Mousse, its delicious!

Liria Says:

Hey Whit,

Just because I've been around the virtual block a time or two doesn't mean I've got ALL the answers. But I'll give it go...

Dear Trying,

In the virtual dating world, there are three things to remember:

1.) If it doesn't work, you can't take it personally.
2.) If you don't have his number (and that's LAND line, Darlin') he's married.
3.) Before you cast a wide net (geographically speaking) make sure you're really willing to relocate (or he is). It is NOT PLEASANT to fall in love with someone and then find that suburban Baltimore is not a place you can spend the rest of your life. (Don't ask!)

Once you've navigated the waters above, send him a basket of our baked goods. That way, he knows you're domestic and you know his address! The most important tool for a serious on-line love quest? A good private investigator!

Snoop on McDuff!

Where Do I Find A Man?

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I'm a twenty-eight year old physical therapist and the only single men I ever meet are either eighty and crippled or they have had a head injury. What should I do to find Mr. Right?

Desperate in Des Moines

Whitney Says:

Dear Desperate,

Don’t Despair! There are a million ways to meet Mr. Right. I recommend getting together with all of the single gals you know and throwing a cocktail party. If each girl invites five men (remember, one girl’s trash is another’s Trojan) and brings an hors de oeuvre, you are sure to find one or two gentlemen of interest. Make my STUFFED MUSHROOM CAPS. They are guaranteeed to make men drool!

Happy Hunting,

Liria Says:

Dear Desperate,

Your letter makes me wonder exactly who here has had the head injury. I have two words for you, Sports Medecine. You, honey, clearly need a new job. Get yourself out there and discover a new batch of slightly clumsy studs who, coincidentally, are a wee bit less agile that they once were. Look, Desperate, here's your chance. They can't outrun you while they're injured. Physical therapy can be fantastic hunting ground for a girl with a purpose. Forget the mushrooms, make him a batch of my "REAL HIM IN, SUGAR" COOKIES to take along to the office and get your Florence Nightingale on!

Go get those jocks!

The Truth About Hooters

Dear Whitney and Liria,

My guy and his friends love to watch the game at Hooters. I'm uncomfortable joining them there and would like to have them watch the game at our apartment. Is there anything short of a wet t-shirt that would encourage them to watch the game at home?

Sitting on the Bench

Whitney Says:

Dear Sitting,

Yes! While men find ogling big bazooms enormously entertaining, they are also attracted to them because they were their first source of food. I have found that when men have a choice between boob gazing and filling their own tummies, nine times out of ten, they will pick food. Therefore, I suggest making my I REALLY LOVE YOUR PEACHES PIE and serving it to them ala mode. Now, if you want to keep them at your place and away from Hooters, I would garnish this recipe with a form fitting, scooped neck top... and if it's just a wee bit cold in your house? All the better!

Go team!!!

Liria Says:

Dear Sitting,

I'm gonna burst your bubble but darlin' it's for your own good! If you'd ever been to Hooter's you'd understand why it's such a beloved destination. I know women think it's the breasts but honey it's the wings! The chicken wings! They are solidly out of this world!

Smart marketing has you worried for nothing. The most liberating thing you could do for yourself is to throw on your favorite jeans and go along with the guys next time. I've never known a woman to regret a trip to Hooters.

But do your relationship a favor and make I REALLY LOVE YOUR PEACHES PIE to remind him why he loves coming home to YOU after the game. A little culinary innuendo never hurt!!

I Gave Him My Number...

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I met a guy at my friend's birthday party last weekend and he asked for my phone number. I still haven't heard from him. What do I do? Should I call him?

Anxious

Whitney Says:

Dear Anxious,

Ah, the age old question; should I wait for him to ring me or should I bite the bullet and call first? I tend to be a little old fashioned about things like calling the boy before he's called you. I worry that you might appear too easy. My suggestion is to talk to your friend and find out the particulars on this fella ASAP. If he is indeed a nice guy, have your friend ring him up. Have her casually ask him if he met any nice gals at her party. Then have her relay that her friend, Anxious (you), has already been called by three different men. Bottom line: she plays stupid, all the while letting him know what a popular dish you are. Sometimes the simpler sex needs to know that the object of their desire is also desired by others. It helps to get the ball rolling. While you're waiting for this to all play out, whip up a pitcher of my MARVELOUS MANGO MARGARITAS... the time will pass quicker.

Chin up Cupcake and keep me posted,

Liria Says:

Dear Anxious,

There's nothing wrong with giving a guy your number. Where you fell off the turnip truck was waiting for him to call you. Next time, if you're interested get his number. That way you're in the driver's seat. Speaking of driver's seats, you might want to try a little trick our Whitney uses. She has a business card without ANY contact information on it. And she's the dominitrix of cookies in Hollywood because of it. Moral of this story, oh anxious one, they all want what they can't get... at least at first... at least easily. Believe me, I've been easy one too many times, and you don't want any part of THAT!

Withold and Win!

Husband Looking At Internet Porn

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I woke up in the middle of the night last Tuesday and discovered that my husband, Frank, was "doing the nasty" watching internet porn. I'm so disgusted that I haven't let him back into our bed. What would you do? I love my husband but I'm sick at the thought that the pig is cheating on me with strange women on-line.

Porned Out in Pensacola

Whitney Says:

Dear Pen,

The whole internet porn thing is an alarming phenomenon! What is the world coming to when nice married ladies stumble upon their husbands in the throes of self-induced pleasure? It's time to sit ole Franky down and explain that this behavior is not going to wash with you. Then put him on a diet of my LITTLE CHOPPED FRANKS AND BEANS. When he comments that you've made him the same dish for ten days, inform him of the therapeutic benefits of chopping weiners. He'll take your point almost immediately!

Remember, boys will be boys, it's our job to make men out of them!

Liria Says:

Dear Pensicola,

Cheating on you? Honey, get out the dictionary. What you describe isn't cheating. Now if you'd walked in on him and found him with another woman, live and in the flesh, THAT would be cheating. He isn't planning on leaving you for a monitor. Guaranteed.

It's time for a talk. Thing is, it may be challenging to create the kind of open environment needed for a heart-to-heart while you're calling Frank a pig!

Curiosity will take you further than judgment every time!

He'd Rather Watch TV

Dear Whitney and Liria,

My boyfriend is more interested in the television than me. What should I do?

Tube Tied

Whitney Says:

Dear Tube,

This is a question for the ages. Men do love their television, it's true. I can only assume that you are not as interesting as say, the golf he watches. I suggest that you make a big batch of my NAUGHTY NACHOS and serve them to him wearing nothing but a frilly apron. If this doesn't get his attention, drop something on the floor right in front of him and pick it up. If he still isn't biting, he's gay. Move on.

Good Luck!

Liria Says:

Dear Tube,

Either you are a libido-crazed machine or he's just not that into you. That's a husband problem, not a boyfriend problem. You could cook for him, and those NAUGHTY NACHOS are k-i-l-l-e-r! But you could also start a one woman yoga class in your living room. Better yet, hire a trainer. Best would be if you have floor space behind the couch. You'll know which situation you've got when he has to turn around to see you contort. Never fails. Men are like dogs when they watch their women do yoga.

Woof!

I Slept With My Friend's Boyfriend

Dear Whitney and Liria,

My friend Tammy just found out that I had a one night stand with her boyfriend. It happened way before they got together so it's not like he messed around on her. The problem is that she won't forgive either one of us and she's recently started flirting with my husband. I'm afraid that she's going to try to sleep with him to get even with me.
Help, what do I do?

One Night Was Enough

Whitney Says:

Dear Enough,

Ahhhh, the one night stand... what a pathetic pond in which to cast your reel. Being that this encounter only occurred once, I'm willing to bet that this man was a near stranger to you at the time. Of course if you read our column at all, you know that I don't endorse this kind of behavior as there is seldom a happy finish. But sadly you can't un-sink a boat.

You need to schedule some time with your friend and explain to her that you were sloppy drunk when you met her man and that you don't even remember doing the horizontal hokey pokey with him. Then tell her that you must be awful in bed because he never called you after your encounter.

Next, confide that your husband is awful in bed. This will have a two-fold result. 1.) Your friend should no longer desire a revengeful encounter using him as her stud. 2.) She will pity you and hopefully won't begrudge your one night of bliss with her man. The whole point of this exercise is to make her feel better about her life by making you look pathetic.

If you really want to make her feel great, put on some weight. Do this by making a big batch of my WICKEDLY SIMPLE CHOCOLATE FONDUE. Dip everything you eat into it, from your morning toast to your sandwich at lunch. Before you know it, you and your friend will be back on good terms!

Bon Appetite!

Liria Says:

Dear Enough,

Hang on to your dress size! Whitney is operating from the same outdated rules as your pal Tammy.

According to Tammy YOU broke the girlfriend code. Trouble is, her copy of the Girlfriend Rule Book is from 1953! No wonder she's mad. According to that edition you couldn't sleep with her boyfriend unless he WAS your husband. Otherwise you were "cheap" and "easy". Things aren't so simple any more.

Honey, you need to sit your pal down and give her the 21st Century edition of the rules. While there is NO rule about sleeping with her boyfriend before they became a couple, there IS a rule about loyalty which includes letting your girlfriend know as soon as you realize you've "dated" the same guy. Beyond that, no details.

Tell her that if she is more comfortable with her old, dusty rule book, it says she has every right to end your friendship.

One last thing: Tell Tammy that choosing to flirt her way into bed with your husband comes from the Desperate Housewives edition and that's against the rules.

PS: Note to boyfriend: No T-shirts or wearable art of any kind that reads "I've had Enough!"

Infuriated With Whitney & Liria

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I recently came across your "advice column" and I feel it my duty to write to you and let you know that I think you're both trash! Ladies never discuss sex and they certainly don't mention it in the same breath with food!

Righteous in Rhode Island

Whitney Says:

Dear Uppity Bitch,

Don't you DARE insinuate that I'm not a lady! I am a graduate of the "White Gloves and Party Manners" seminar given annually at the Urbana Mall. I have etiquette coming out my ass! You, on the other hand, are as classless as campus during spring break. Puhaleaseeeeeee! Now, to prove what a lady I truly am, I would like to offer you my "Nuts To You" PEANUT BRITTLE recipe.

Don't break a tooth!

Liria Says:

Dear Unhappily Married, Bitter, and Out of Touch,

You know, you've got a point. Not so sure that "lady" is a label I've been working towards though. Where did you read that we are a resource for buttoned-up mice who want to stay that way? I'd rather be real. I'd rather live a life full of sex and food and great conversation (only occasionally at other's expense) than to be, well... you. By the way Whit, I may not have been to the Podunk School for Manners but my mother taught me that those who have class never ever say it! Don't make it so easy for them to co-opt you, Babe.

Being you, Righteous, is it's own revenge.

Carry on,

Whitney Says:

My Dear Liria,

My mother taught me the definition of class too. Her's varies slightly from your mom's but I believe the premise is essentially the same. My mom said that the definition of class is to make whoever you're talking to feel like the most important person in the world, at that moment. You must be totally engaged whether you are speaking to the garbage man or the Queen of England. My guess is that Righteous doesn't even speak to her garbage man. What do you think?

Love your fellow trash,

Liria Says:

Whit My Love,

If I'm going to be in the trash with anyone, I'm glad it's you!

What a pickle.

I'm Sleeping With My Boss

Dear Whitney & Liria,

I have been having an affair with my boss for three months and I'm ready to take the relationship to the next level, but he's not. What should I do?

A Secretary in Seattle

Whitney Says:

Dear Secretary,

There are a couple ways to handle this little dilemma. But before we go there, I need you to be sure that this man is really worthy of you. Really think about it before reading on.

Now, if you still want a future with your boss, here are your options.

1.) Give him an ultimatum. This can be tricky because he might just say, "Fine, let's break up." However, I am happily married today (and for many years) because my ultimatum worked. Keep in mind though, that you have to walk away if that's what he decides. Nine times out of ten he's just testing you.

2.) This technique is a little more powerful and may also make him very angry. It's called The Sexual Harrassment Lawsuit. Maybe just drop casually in conversation that you have been feeling harassed and see how that goes.

Whichever technique you try, I wish you good luck. When things work out for the best (whichever way they go), make yourself a delicious BEYOND BUBBLY CHAMPAGNE COCKTAIL to toast your future!

Cheers!

Liria Says:

Dear Seattle,

You FLIRT with the boss, you SLEEP with the Arrowhead guy... honey, has experience taught you nothing? Well, look on the bright side, Monster.com makes it possible to distribute your resume on line anonymously. That should help. Particularly if you want to give this affair your best shot. You're gonna need a new job (or offer) just so he knows you're serious and doesn't have the power to fire you if you make a scene. With that in mind, get your trollopy little ducks in a row and then fire away. Invite him over for my famous MARYLAND BLUE CRAB (The Only Kind of Crabs to Get) CAKES and let him know how you feel. Pin him down though.

And if he doesn't want you, quit. There's no future once you've slept with the boss unless you marry him. Believe me, I know.

Remember Bridget Jones,

Chunky And Alone

Dear Whitney & Liria,

I'm forty four years old and I sing in the chorus of the Metropolitan Opera. I'm single and robust and desperate to find a man. However, there don't appear to be any takers. My friend, Reggie, whom I love very much, recently told me that he thinks he might be attracted to me. The problem is that up until now, Reggie has been a confirmed homosexual. Do you have any advice for me?

Singing Solo

Whitney Says:

Dear Singing,

Men either want bratwurst or tacos, not both. Reggie has probably confused his love for you as a friend for heterosexual attraction. Please, I beg you on bended knee NOT to try to pursue a physical relationship with him. Once he sees you all naked and pendulous, there is no way there will be a consumation as the air will have gone right out of his balloon, so to speak. And once this happens, the friendship will never be the same.

As you sing for the Met, you live in or near an urban area. Go on-line and look for the Chubby Chasers Club near you. There are real live (straight) men who prefer a woman of zaftig proportion. Find yourself one of them and start singing a duet.

Do, Rei, YOU girlfriend!

P.S. If you're looking for something long and cream filled, try my CREAMY CREAMY CANNOLI.
Liria Says:

Dear Solo,

Ah, you're exhibiting a classic case of the fat-girl-gay-man connection. It's uncanny! He's not going straight, Solo, he's just as smitten with you as any hot blooded straight man SHOULD be if he weren't so afraid of his image. While it's likely your tenor probably hasn't gotten any in a while himself, you were wise to look before leaping on this one.

But why toss him over entirely? Use him to get your confidence up. This boy sees all your good qualities and the easiest way to know he's really gay is that he isn't worried about being seen with you! The flattery will do you a world of good. But don't let it cloud you judgment.

Solo, listen to me. Take that self-esteem boost and, when you're ready, find yourself an opera lover not an opera singer. In the meantime, treat yourself to a batch of Whitney's CREAMY CREAMY CANNOLI. You'll forget all about men and I guarantee there's an afterglow!

Your aria is coming!

I'm Not Sure I Want To Marry Him

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I've been engaged for almost 2 years. I can't bring myself to actually get married for a few reasons: he is marginally employed and seemingly unmotivated and he is a rather angry man at times (hates the world, children, old people, traffic, rain, what have you). That said, we do get along fabulously in other areas. However, his lack of funds have become my lack of funds (my fault, I'm aware), and his outbursts, are, well, loud and scary.

Do I stay or do I go? I've been in limbo for a while now. I recently rented my own place and because he hadn't made sufficient plans for a living arrangement, he put all his belongings in storage, got himself a PO Box and is living with me (at times).

I hate to see him out on his backside, because I do care about him. I just am concerned for my future. I'm 29, for the record. And I'm not getting any younger.

Halting at the Altar

Whitney Says:

Dear Halting,

There are times when nothing but quoting The Clash will do. This is one of those times. As the question on the table is, "Should I stay or should I go?" I must quote: "If I go there will be trouble...And if I stay it will be double." That's the nut baby. Going will be hard, staying will be suicide.

You are obviously aware that the world-hating, children-hating, old-people-hating, traffic-hating, rain-hating man isn't for you (I mean really, who hates the rain?). After all, if he were the ONE, you would not be plagued with all these doubts.

As for living with you? Ixnay on the oyfriendbay ohabitaioncay! My advice is to thank him for the memories, suggest anger management counseling, have the locks on your doors changed, reclaim your finances, and make a big pitcher of my delicious SEX ON THE BEACH to celebrate your freedom!

At twenty-nine, it's time to kick this boy-man to the curb and start shopping for a gem.

Whitney

Liria Says:

Okay Darlin',

Why are you halting?

You've got a lot to look forward to if you marry this man. You can start by carrying him over the threshold (every girls dream) and then attach a shackle to your ankle so that he'll have something to hold on to as you carry him through the rest of your life.

Compassion is an important quality... and you've taken it to a ridiculous extreme. While we never like to see the people we love on their backsides, staying wth this loser is gonna land you squarely on your own.

Cut the cord babe. He may sink. He may swim. You will be free to soar!

He Wants Me To Get A Boob Job

Dear Whitney & Liria,

My boyfriend wants me to have a boob job. He says that if I do it, he'll probably propose to me. I'm scared to death to have surgery and I think I look fine the way I am. What should I do?

Flat in Phoenix

Whitney Says:

Dear Flat,

Inform your boyfriend that Dr. 90210 does penile enhancement as well. If he wants you to add a couple of inches, tell him he needs to return the favor. If he doesn't shut up about the whole boob job thing, kick him to the curb and find yourself someone worthy. If he stops talking about it, but still gives you those idiotic, meaningful looks meant to guilt you into it; make him a batch of my TEENY TINY COCKTAIL WEENIES. That'll shut him up.

Some men are pigs and yours takes the cake!

Liria Says:

Dear Flat,

This letter begins with a recipe. Before you do anything else, take yourself to the kitchen and make my LIRIA'S LUSCIOUS APRICOT-STUFFED CHICKEN BREASTS. They're a mouthful! As the owner of a particularly plump pair, I can assure you that large breasts (except in matters of chicken) are not all they're cracked up to be.  Just as anyone voluntarily contemplating pregnancy should strap on one of those weighted maternity tummys for a day; I would suggest you do the same for breast enhancement. After all, you're the one who's gotta wear them, you know, forever.

Unlike children, these babies don't turn eighteen and move out. Then again, when silicone gets old it tends to rupture and leak and cause cancer. So, think about it. You may be dead, but at least you'll be married. Sure, what the hell, I say go for it!

Are you out of your mind?!

Gorgeous Guy At Work

Dear Whitney and Liria,

There is a new guy that just started at my office last week and he's hot, hot, hot! Every single girl in the office is on the make for him like a bucket of chum in a pod of hungry sharks. How do I make him mine?

Lusty in Lafayette

Whitney Says:

Dear Lusty,

There is one obvious way to ge this man to be yours. You must feed him! But you musn't let the other girls see you or they will try the same warfare. Start leaving one lone treat on his desk with a seducive little note. May I recommend my RASPBERRY-COCONUT BARS? Once he's hooked, issue a dinner invitation. Hopefully, you'll be on the menu for dessert!

Oh l'amour, l'amour!

Liria Says:

Hey Lusty,

Hold the phone! What exactly do you want him for anyway? Our sweet Whitney forgets that while cooking is the ultimate way to a man's HEART, you'll want to find out exactly how many of his organ's you're interested in before you start investing in batter and dough. A great little day-to-evening number and drinks after work will tell you whether he really has what it takes to get your best pie!

In lust we trust!

I'm Attracted To My Son's Friend

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I am mortified to be writing this letter, but I'm desperate for guidance. I am a very well preserved mother of four. My oldest son in eighteen and his best friend, John (who I have known since he was a toddler), has recently started to make advances towards me. I'm only forty and I'm tempted to take him up on his offer. What's worrying me is what this will do to my relationship with my son if he finds out. Please help. I'm not sure how much longer I can withstand the pull of my raging hormones.

Mrs. Robinson in Maryland

Whitney Says:

Dear Mrs. R.,

Think back to the first Mrs. Robinson. The best thing that ever happened to her was that Simon and Garfunkel dedicated a song to her. I'm guessing they won' t do the same for you as they have long since broken up. I "get" the whole Ashton/Demi biological age thing, but please remember that no amount of hot boy sex is going to be worth jeopardizing your relationship with your son. Plain and simple, you are not too old to have relations with a man of legal age. But you are too old to have sex with your son's friend.

I am also assuming that you're not currently married. If you were, there would clearly be a plethora of additional reasons to keep it in your pants, as it were. If you are indeed in the market for a new man in your life, may I suggest reeling him in with my "COME TO MAMA" COCONUT CREAM PIE? Please do not use this recipe on John though. The consequences could be staggering.

Coocoocachoo Mrs. Robinson!

Liria Says:

Dear Mrs. Robinson,

You really do know this but you MUST keep this boy's meat out of your stew! There's nothing wrong with a trip to the butcher though! Find yourself some fresh meat... meat you can grind and saute with your peppers and onions. Take it home and throw it into my "I'M SO HOT I GOTTA WEAR SHADES" CHILI. And wash it down with some ice water Mama. If things are still too hot, get yourself into an icy shower.

Once you've come back to your senses, you can cook with the best of 'em!

Sheesh!

How Many Men Is Too Many?

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I'm thirty-two and single. I'm writing because I recently told a friend how many men I've slept with and she called me a slut. What I want to know is, do you think that thirty-two men is too many for someone my age? I mean, it's only two guys a year since I lost my virginity as sixteen.

Having fun in Philly

Whitney Says:

Dear Open for Business,

How do I say this without hurting your feelings? You are a total slut! Thirty-two men? Sweet mother of God! You my dear are a whore with a capital "H". Your poor mother would roll over in her grave if she knew. And if she's not already dead, this news would certainly do the trick.

Powers that be say that you are a born again virgin if you can abstain from doing the nasty for six months. I encourage you to try this. Every time you start to feel frisky, I want you to make a batch of my BIG BAD BLONDIES and let's see if we can't divert some of your misspent energy.

Yours in Christ,

Liria Says:

Dear Fun,

Two men a year? Sounds to me like you can find a man, you just can't keep one. You don't need religion; just a little testosterone fly-paper and you'll be good as new. When Whitney hops down from her high horse, she should be able to give you all kinds of recipes to keep the next one from ever leaving.

We've got to do something about that revolving door, Cookie. I vote for culinary school. Give yourself six months, and choose number thirty-three carefully. He oughtta be a keeper. If by this time next year the sign above your bed reads thirty five served, well, fun is too much fun. Just remember you're not getting any younger. If you don't change your ways eventually, she who started as Fun in Philly is likely to become The Jezebel of South Florida's early-bird-special set. And really, how fun is that?

Fun, get thee to a cookery!