Chunky And Alone

Dear Whitney & Liria,

I'm forty four years old and I sing in the chorus of the Metropolitan Opera. I'm single and robust and desperate to find a man. However, there don't appear to be any takers. My friend, Reggie, whom I love very much, recently told me that he thinks he might be attracted to me. The problem is that up until now, Reggie has been a confirmed homosexual. Do you have any advice for me?

Singing Solo

Whitney Says:

Dear Singing,

Men either want bratwurst or tacos, not both. Reggie has probably confused his love for you as a friend for heterosexual attraction. Please, I beg you on bended knee NOT to try to pursue a physical relationship with him. Once he sees you all naked and pendulous, there is no way there will be a consumation as the air will have gone right out of his balloon, so to speak. And once this happens, the friendship will never be the same.

As you sing for the Met, you live in or near an urban area. Go on-line and look for the Chubby Chasers Club near you. There are real live (straight) men who prefer a woman of zaftig proportion. Find yourself one of them and start singing a duet.

Do, Rei, YOU girlfriend!

P.S. If you're looking for something long and cream filled, try my CREAMY CREAMY CANNOLI.
Liria Says:

Dear Solo,

Ah, you're exhibiting a classic case of the fat-girl-gay-man connection. It's uncanny! He's not going straight, Solo, he's just as smitten with you as any hot blooded straight man SHOULD be if he weren't so afraid of his image. While it's likely your tenor probably hasn't gotten any in a while himself, you were wise to look before leaping on this one.

But why toss him over entirely? Use him to get your confidence up. This boy sees all your good qualities and the easiest way to know he's really gay is that he isn't worried about being seen with you! The flattery will do you a world of good. But don't let it cloud you judgment.

Solo, listen to me. Take that self-esteem boost and, when you're ready, find yourself an opera lover not an opera singer. In the meantime, treat yourself to a batch of Whitney's CREAMY CREAMY CANNOLI. You'll forget all about men and I guarantee there's an afterglow!

Your aria is coming!

Comments

[Lizzie]

Dear Solo,
I hear your pain! I too am a curvy gal and it’s crazy trying to find a worthy man that is attracted to me. I’m not going to give up though and you shouldn’t either. I say we both take Whitney’s advice and find one of those Chubby Chaser Clubs (but please God, may they actually be named something else!)
Lizzie

[Kiki]

Men are NEVER happy!!! I’m a size 4 and this guy I’m dating told me he doesn’t want to see me anymore because I’m too skinny! I diet non stop to be this size and I still can’t find a man!
Kiki

[Southern Cookie]

I’m curious why you would even consider a man that has been “confirmed” homosexual. Have more confidence in yourself, obviously you’re a talented woman, men will be attracted to that!

[Southern Cookie]

Note to Kiki…stop killing yourself to be a size 4 and live a little - sounds as if you are the one who needs the canoli