No "Play" ... No Pay!

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I recently moved to Hollywood to become an actress. I've started to get some really good auditions but I've had to work for them. You see, I've started to offer a few oral services in exchange for opportunity. It's been going great except that now my agent won't send me out for anything until I visit his office first. Is there anyway to stop this now that I've started?

Tonsillitis in Tinsel Town

Whitney Says:

Dear Tonsillitis,

Were you raised in a brothel? If so, I might have some understanding of your get-to-the-top motivational technique. You my dear are NOT doing yourself any favors by putting such questionable things into your mouth. It's time to eat something delicious like my TANGY "Pucker-Up" LEMON BARS. My best advice to you is share them with your agent after you tell him about the gonorrhea. This should help to ease him out of his current expectations.

Keep your mouth shut!

Liria Says:

Dear Mouth,

Define going great. I'm all for using every competitive advantage you've got. I mean, it's a tough world. Apparenlty it's just gotten tougher for you. Don't worry, I've got good news. You've proven there is a career that you're perfectly suited for. Pick up a box of Ding Dongs and take them with you to the next adult film casting call in Chatsworth. And hey, if you run into Seymour Butts, tell him the girl who sat next to him in eighth grade geometry says hello. You never know where your next big break is going to come from, right? And Whitney, don't take the girl away from her calling!

Remember ladies, men are pigs, eating pork is optional.

Ta Ta Trashy,

Comments

[Claudia]

This is right out of a Jackie Collins book! Are actresses in Hollywood really giving blow jobs for work? Why does this surprise me?
Claudia

[Veronica From Mars]

Claudia,
Have you been living under a rock? Of course this is what goes on in La La Land!!! I bet the mouthwash sales are particularly high in Tinsel Town. Makes ya shudder…
Veronica