Trap Him, Feed Him, Keep Him

He Won't Marry Me!

Dear Whitney and Liria,

My boyfriend and I have two children and have lived together for seven years. My problem is that he still hasn't proposed. How am I ever going to become his wife?

Always the Bridesmaid

Whitney Says:

Dear Always,

Close down the dairy girfriend!!! Your man has opted not to pay for his milk for too long. It's time to cut him off! Normally, I would say that if he hasn't popped the question inside of two months, you should leave. But sadly, you have done the unthinkable and already procreated with this fiend.

As a last resort, I would check the common law marriage rules in your state and if you find that your seven years of co-habitation have already made you his legal spouse, then hop on down to city hall and change your name. Your next course of action is to stop by Kay Jewelers and buy yourself a ring. Then let everyone know that you and Billy Bob are now man and wife. In fact send out announcements and see if you can snag some wedding gifts while you're at it.

Before resorting to the common law approach, I would make your man a batch of my MAPLE SYRUP MUFFINS. He might just drop down on his knees and propose right there at the breakfast table.

Keep your knees together and good luck!

Liria Says:

Dear Always,

Close the dairy? Whitney, that farm is all she's got. You've got to be practical here. Our girl forgot the cardinal rule of dating when she became a breeder... twice. While I do hate to rain on anybody's parade, I've got bad news. One little darling and you might have been able to pull it off. Two, and it's just way too late for you.

The good news? You can make him a batch of anything you want and enjoy it! If you're still hell-bent on matrimony, my poor little poster child for don't-let-this-happen-to-you, I have a plan. Surprise him by making his favortite meal and then ply him with the whole liquor cabinet (may I suggest making him a pitcher of our "IT'S A VERY LONG ISLAND" ICED TEA. In a pinch, who says you can't throw your own shotgun wedding?

Ready, Aim, Fire!

Having His Parents Over

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I'm about to plotz, big time! My boyfriend's parents are coming over to my house for dinner on Saturday night and I've never met them before. I can only assume that Joel is getting serious if he's introducing us. The thing is that Joel knows I can't cook. What-oh-what am I going to make so they give their stamp of approval and encourage their son to marry me?

Meshuggah in Memphis

Whitney Says:

Dear Shug,

Joel is a putz if he knows you can't cook, yet insists you do so when you meet his parents for the first time. Boy howdy, this boy needs a refresher course in what you will and will not put up with. This is the only time EVER that I have not had a food recommendation for one of the gals that writes in. But for you sugar, my best advice is to call for reservations. When Joel et al come a knock'n, tell them to shake their tail feathers or they'll miss dinner.

Of all the nerve!

Liria Says:

Dear Memphis,

There's no reason you should get all stressed slaving over a hot stove just so the parentals can proceed to grill you under the hot lights. That's more heat than any girl oughtta endure. So here's my thought: He isn't playing fair with you, babycakes, and believe you me, two can play that game. We are the cagier sex and we can win this one. Watch!

Why not have them all believing that you're the best cook this side of the Mississippi? It's time for some tip-top catering, my girl. If you're serious about the ring, it's time to practice the art of illusion. You need co-conspirators, lots of them. Forbid anyone from arriving before 7 p.m. Have your team come early in the day and bring all kinds of sumptuous goodies. While you're at it, throw in hair, makeup, wardrobe, and hypnosis. If your gonna create an illusion, why not create the one that says not ONLY can I make the best meal you people have ever eaten, but I'm such a catch that I look flawless, perfect, and completely calm while doing it. The ring will be on your finger any day. Guaranteed.

By the way, you'll want to charge the whole kitandkaboodle to Joel's credit card.

If he ever asks about the bill, remind him NEVER to put you in this position again!

Beautiful, no?!

Sweet Sixteen and Never Kissed

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I'm only sixteen, but there's this guy that I really, really, really like. I mean REALLY! The problem is that he's twenty four and looks at me like I'm a child. What should I do?

Sweet Sixteen and Never Kissed

Whitney Says:

Dear Lolita,

For the love of God girl, isn't it past your bedtime? Hear me loud and clear on this sweetheart... you are JAILBAIT!!! If this dear man is smart enough to realize that, DO NOT dangle your fresh young behind in his face. The only boys you should be interested in should be no older than seventeen or eighteen, TOPS! And remember when you're thinking of hopping in the sack with one of them (as I'm sure you are you little tart!) adolescent boys stink. As in peeeeeeuuuuu. Hygiene is not high on their hit parade.

Now, I'm calling your mother!

PS: Speaking of tarts, my LUSCIOUS LEMON-ALMOND TART is out of this world!

Liria Says:

Now Girlie,

I don't mean to sound bitter, but...I have had it up to HERE with children masquerading as women and competing for MY men. Okay, he may not be mine. Yes, I could be his mother. But my point is undiminished.

You, little girl, should have yourself a slumber party, attach chastity belts to all your little-girl friends, and pine over what ONE DAY will be yours. Not today though. Today it is hard enough for a single ADULT woman to find a date without having to compete with YOU.

Don't you have an SAT to study for?

Sex With A Friend

Dear Whitney & Liria,

I am currently not dating anyone but I still find myself with needs. My friend Phil is in the same boat. We are thinking about sleeping with each other just to satisfy our physical desires. Do you think this is a good idea?

Looking for a good time

Whitney Says:

Dear Looking,

If Phil is already your friend and you're attracted enough to each other to consider fornication, why aren't you dating? It is in fact ideal to be friends with your mate before you actually mate. Therefore, I would say no to your plans of no-strings-attached sex. There are ALWAYS strings. Make Phil take you out to dinner and court you properly. Then on the morning after... you can make him my SOUR CREAM COFFEE CAKE as a reward.

Have some standards!

Liria Says:

Dear Looking,

I feel your pain. Here's the thing you want to remember, and mark my words; the minute, I mean the millisecond you realize he's a good lover, you will be writing asking for more advice. You will be incapable of playing by the rules YOU made. He, on the other hand, will wonder how it got so complicated. He will regret the strain on your friendship but, being a guy, he won't actually ever talk to you about it. You will want, you will ooze want. You will pine, you may lament, you're likely to cry and frankly, I'd like you to SHUT UP!

By the way, if he's lousy in bed, there goes the friendship too. You deny it, but it's true. How will you ever be able to be a supportive friend with that smirk on your face? In conclusion?

Just say NO!

I'm Just His Booty Call

Dear Whitney and Liria,

There is this guy that I like but he only uses me for a booty call. How can I make him see me as girlfriend material?

Not Good Enough

Whitney Says:

Dear Not,

Sweetheart, he only sees you as a booty call because you've apparentley let him. Never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER let a man use you for sex when you want more. It's just not done. I'm certain this fellow will never ask you out until you close the all-night service station. Remember, if your booty is good enough to call, it's good enough to take out to dinner and meet his parents some day. Should that day ever come, make my FESTIVE FRITTATA!

Remember, you're booty-ful!

Liria Says:

Dear Not,

You can't! Really. When they come over for dessert, it's nearly impossible to get them to eat their vegetables. In case you want to try, make my SUPER SIMPLE NEVER FAILS GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE. Not only will you learn a thing or two about his relationship to holidays, it's sure to add an element of Betty Crocker to the Mae West impression you've created.

If you're shopping for the long haul, you absolutely CANNOT let yourself fall into the booty call category. Take it from a girl who's got (and gotten) more than her share of tail (J-Lo eat your heart out!). One of the hardest lessons a single girl has to learn is that for men there are so many booties, so little time. If you want yours to stand out, don't offer it with the buffet.

Learn to be hard-to-get and the world is yours!

No "Play" ... No Pay!

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I recently moved to Hollywood to become an actress. I've started to get some really good auditions but I've had to work for them. You see, I've started to offer a few oral services in exchange for opportunity. It's been going great except that now my agent won't send me out for anything until I visit his office first. Is there anyway to stop this now that I've started?

Tonsillitis in Tinsel Town

Whitney Says:

Dear Tonsillitis,

Were you raised in a brothel? If so, I might have some understanding of your get-to-the-top motivational technique. You my dear are NOT doing yourself any favors by putting such questionable things into your mouth. It's time to eat something delicious like my TANGY "Pucker-Up" LEMON BARS. My best advice to you is share them with your agent after you tell him about the gonorrhea. This should help to ease him out of his current expectations.

Keep your mouth shut!

Liria Says:

Dear Mouth,

Define going great. I'm all for using every competitive advantage you've got. I mean, it's a tough world. Apparenlty it's just gotten tougher for you. Don't worry, I've got good news. You've proven there is a career that you're perfectly suited for. Pick up a box of Ding Dongs and take them with you to the next adult film casting call in Chatsworth. And hey, if you run into Seymour Butts, tell him the girl who sat next to him in eighth grade geometry says hello. You never know where your next big break is going to come from, right? And Whitney, don't take the girl away from her calling!

Remember ladies, men are pigs, eating pork is optional.

Ta Ta Trashy,

Single Mother Needs Date!

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I have four small children under the age on ten, and am divorced. I am ready to start dating again but wonder if I should even bother. I mean, what man in his right mind is going to be interested in a future with me?

Mommy Malaise

Whitney Says:

Dear Mom,

You ain't kidding sister! The answer is simple. No man in his right mind is going to want to get tangled up with you. Therefore, if you are really interested in going back on the meat market, you are truly going to have to look for a man not in his right mind. This can be a dicey venture as you must make sure that while a little unhinged, he is neither criminally insane, or a criminal of any type for that matter. Your first priority is your younguns after all.

My next thought is to ply him with alcohol. A drunken man is not as likely to remember how many kiddies you actually have... yet you run the risk of him seeing double and thinking there are eight. Tough spot.

Maybe Liria has something helpful. But, in case you do opt for getting him drunk, make MY MOM'S ARTILLERY PUNCH. It pretty much consists of every kind of booze in the liquor cabinet... on ice. Have a taxi on speed dial if you or he drink more than a sip.

Good luck!

Liria Says:

Dear Mal,

First of all, four beautiful little people aren't a liability honey, unless you're looking for child support. What you need is a stable of good baby sitting help and an overnight bag.

Don't worry, just cause you'd have to find a Brady Bunch wanna-be to think long term (and then THINK who you'd be sleeping with) doesn't mean you can't get out for a little adult entertainment from time to time. First get the babysitting thing squared away, then join one of the best online dating services out there. Besides, most men have a very loose definition of what constitutes a date. Believe me, your children really don't factor into it. You'll be surprised at how easy it is to be a multi-tasking mommy. Get yourself all set up and get out there and RIDE THAT COWBOY! Whoooo hooo!!! Oops (sorry).

By the way, if you land one of the rare remaining good guys, keep the conversation vague long enough that you stand a chance. And Mal, if you lose him once he learns the truth, would you please send him my way?

Always happy to help,

Whitney Says:

Dear Liria,

Wee tiny concern with your advice on this one. Mommy said she wanted to get out and date. I construe "date" to mean have dinner, a glass of wine, and get to know each other (this is where she needs to come clean about her brood). You, my pet, seem to think that by date she means a shag fest... we best ask Mommy which she is after so we're clear on how to advise her.

I simply worry that if she's just looking for a roll in the hay, she might wind up single with five little one to raise. She seems very fertile.

So... Mommy, please get back to us and let us know. Are you looking for love or a good time?

Either way, use protection!

Liria Says:

Hey Whit,

I'm a realist. I got a letter from a chick with a crisis of confidence, four kids and a libido who says she wants to date. Well, honey, fortunately for her, libido is my department. I say she can date. I say she can have dinner. She can have a glass of wine. She can get to know him in any one of a number of creative ways.

Whit, I say she can have her dessert and eat it too. I stand by my advice.

Have a cookie.

P.S.: Just actually read your advice, Whit. You suggested she find and date, 1) a madman who isn't also a criminal, or 2) a regular guy she'll have to get so drunk he won't be able to see straight. Hmmm. I gotta tell you I don't think she needs to find someone who's just flown over the cuckoo's nest but I've had your MY MOM'S ARTILLERY PUNCH, and that's a recipe every single girl needs to memorize!

Drunk on the First Date

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I have done the unthinkable! My friend set me up with the nicest, funniest, most gorgeous guy in the world! The problem is that we had one date and I got so nervous that I drank too much. Then, to make matters worse, I threw up on him. I know he's never going to ask me out again, but I just can't get him out of my mind. What do I do?

Mortified

Whitney Says:

Dear Morty,

Good lord, girlfriend, what were you thinking? This kind of man does not come around everyday, as I'm sure you know. I venture to say that you would have stood a better chance going out again if you farted on him in a small car, with the windows rolled up. But I know how horrible you feel and I really don't want to make you feel worse (although your stupidity really does astound me).

Here's what you do. Write the man a nice note explaining that you contracted the rare Bunga Bunga Flu and that is the reason you blew chunks on him. Tell him how sorry you are and then inquire after his own health. Then offer to cook him a nice meal to make up for your horrific faux pas.

If you don't hear from him, it's probably because he couldn't get the smell of puke out of his suede jacket. If he does call, you're making MY-OH-MY MIRACULOUS MEATLOAF!

Don't drink this time!

Liria Says:

Dear Mortified,

File this one under "I" for irredeemable. You can't REALLY hope to fix this. It's sad yes, and normally I'd advise you to whip up a pitcher of something sweet and inebriating, but since you can't hold your liquor, by all means have a cookie. Have a double batch of my CHOCOLATE CHIP ORGASMS. You'll need 'em! If word gets out, you're never dating again.

Your best bet all around is to join a twelve step program. Not a bad suggestion for ANY girl looking for love, but particularly apropos for you. There you will find a room full of the only humans who will ever understand. Stay sober long enough, one of them is bound to take a chance on you.

I'm mortified too!

My Boyfriend is Going to Strip Clubs

Dear Whitney and Liria,

My boyfriend goes to the bar every Monday night to watch the ball game. I stopped by to surprise him tonight and guess what? He wasn't there. His friends were doing their best to cover for him, but I'm afraid that he's going to the strip clubs again. Even though he promised that he'd stop. What should I do?

Angry in Anchorage

Whitney Says:

Dear Angry,

First of all, how good looking are the strippers in Alaska anyway? I mean I'm getting a visual here and I see facial hair. Obviously, regardless of how hot these chics are or are not, you do not want your boyfriend oggling them. I get that. Yet I'm wondering what he's getting at the strip clubs that he's not getting at home. I am not blaming you in any way. I am simply asking the obvious question.

Do you think perhaps that it's time for a trip to Trashy Lingerie for a Naughty Nurse's uniform? Find out what your boyfriend's fantasies are and help make them come true for him (within reason). Maybe perform a little strip-tease of your own. I do not recommend using the pole though. My friend Rachael did that and wound up in the emergency room getting fifty-two stitches when she flew face first through the bedroom window. I'm enclosing a simply fabulous recipe for my "Whip Him Up" WHIPPED CREAM.

I wish you much good use of it.

Liria Says:

Dear Angry,

At the bar you know he's watching the cheerleaders just as our eyes are focused on the tight buns in tight pants running around doing that silly little happy dance. I'm gonna suggest you make him some HOT "DON'T CROSS ME" BUNS. Impale THEM on a pole, and serve fresh from the oven on Sunday morning. Trust me, that'll keep him in next Monday night. Sometimes subtle works just fine.

Now you can enjoy the democratic pleasures of Monday night football together.

Touchdown?!

Too Much Food in the Bedroom

Dear Whitney and Liria,

My boyfriend and I LOVE to use food in our lovemaking. The problem is that I'm getting a little chunky. Do you have any advice?

Sticky in Sausalito

Whitney Says:

Dear Sticky,

Is chunky really a problem here? It sounds like your man isn't having trouble with it. The good news about men and the bedroom is that when in the mood, there is no blood left in their brains so they can't really tell if you look like an el roundo plumpa lumpus. But, if you want to lose a few pounds for yourself, I support your endeavor and would recommend that you replace the whipped cream with slices of juicy mango. And perhaps instead of fudge sauce, try using a Lean Cuisine Swedish Meatball Dinner.

Tip the scales in your favor!

Liria Says:

Oh Whit!

Surely we have some fabulous low-fat recipes to offer our sticky friend. Sticky, I'll get back to you with a sexy menu that won't break the seams on your birthday suit! In the meantime, try adding something to your exercise routine that doesn't happen between your slippery sheets.

Go get physical!

PS: Psst, Sticky, forget low-fat long enough to try our HOT BOURBON FUDGE SAUCE. It'll take you both straight to heaven! And what a way to go! Enjoy!

We Can't Agree on Music

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I like folk tunes and my boyfriend likes Motley Crue. We can never agree on what music to listen to. Please help!

Tuneless

Whitney Says:

Dear Tuneless,

You and your honey are going to have to harmonize here. Think along the lines of, "If I had a hammer, I'd hit you over the head with it..." or "Shot to the heart and you're to blame, but if you sprinkle some fairy dust on it, all will be forgiven..." You should start by making my WHITNEY'S ROCKIN' RATATOUILLE. Hot or cold, it rocks!

Go tell it on the mountain, sista friend!

Liria Says:

Dear Tuneless,

Sounds to me like you two are gonna need to start making your own music. While on the hunt it's important to focus on the positive. What DO you have in common? While you may never find your musical match, you can take those folksy roots and try a little traditional culinary warfare. Play your cards right and you'll have him eating out of your hand (and elsewhere). For this, I send you back to Whitney's WHIPPED "I Don't Care What Kind of Music You Like, This Stuff Will Blow Your Mind" CREAM.

Don't forget Tuneless, that though a man is ready to be trapped and caged, he may not be ready to give up his Motley Crue rock-n-roll fantasies like Girls, Girls, Girls. But in the end, these are the same boys that make him sing along to Home Sweet Home.

Have a little faith or you'll be singing the blues.