Drunk on the First Date

Dear Whitney and Liria,

I have done the unthinkable! My friend set me up with the nicest, funniest, most gorgeous guy in the world! The problem is that we had one date and I got so nervous that I drank too much. Then, to make matters worse, I threw up on him. I know he's never going to ask me out again, but I just can't get him out of my mind. What do I do?

Mortified

Whitney Says:

Dear Morty,

Good lord, girlfriend, what were you thinking? This kind of man does not come around everyday, as I'm sure you know. I venture to say that you would have stood a better chance going out again if you farted on him in a small car, with the windows rolled up. But I know how horrible you feel and I really don't want to make you feel worse (although your stupidity really does astound me).

Here's what you do. Write the man a nice note explaining that you contracted the rare Bunga Bunga Flu and that is the reason you blew chunks on him. Tell him how sorry you are and then inquire after his own health. Then offer to cook him a nice meal to make up for your horrific faux pas.

If you don't hear from him, it's probably because he couldn't get the smell of puke out of his suede jacket. If he does call, you're making MY-OH-MY MIRACULOUS MEATLOAF!

Don't drink this time!

Liria Says:

Dear Mortified,

File this one under "I" for irredeemable. You can't REALLY hope to fix this. It's sad yes, and normally I'd advise you to whip up a pitcher of something sweet and inebriating, but since you can't hold your liquor, by all means have a cookie. Have a double batch of my CHOCOLATE CHIP ORGASMS. You'll need 'em! If word gets out, you're never dating again.

Your best bet all around is to join a twelve step program. Not a bad suggestion for ANY girl looking for love, but particularly apropos for you. There you will find a room full of the only humans who will ever understand. Stay sober long enough, one of them is bound to take a chance on you.

I'm mortified too!

Comments

[Maria]

Call and apologize right now! Offer to pay for his dry cleaning and then invite him over for Whitney’s Meatloaf- I think you can come back from this with humor and a good meal- after all what do you have to lose? He’s already seen you at your worst!

Maria

[Carol]

I think you’re screwed. I mean, I’m really sorry that this happened to you but I think you better just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and NEVER do this again!
Carol