High School Reunion Hotty
Dear Whitney & Liria,
I'm going to my ten year high school class reunion next month and I'm hoping to hook up with the football player I had a HUGE crush on all throughout senior year. Do you have any tips for me?
Lovelorn in Lousianna
Whitney Says:
Dear Lou,
This is a toughy. I mean, the reunion is going to be catered, so you can't really show up with a fried drumstick down your blouse, can you? Before I begin to wrack my brain for a culinary solution to your fix, I feel honor-bound to tell you that while you still hold the image of Mr. Stud Muffin Hunky Buns in your head, chances are your high school heart throb has changed. While still bearing some resemblance to his former self (which he probably won't at the fifteen year), he is most likely shorter, balder, and fatter than you remember.
Now, if you still think you want his varsity pin, listen up. Instead of perfume, I want you to dab a little vanilla extract on all your steamy pulse points. Instead of lip gloss, use corn syrup (just try not to lick it off). And finally your hair; if you're a brunette, rinse it in beer. This will give you a nice shine all the while reminding him of a good burp and a football game (two things he's bound to love being a man). If you are blonde, rinse your hair in lemon juice. That oughtta remind him of a tall glass of lemonade.
If I'm right and he's not the end-all-to-die-for that you remember, I have two words for you: Bill Gates. Now that you're all tarted up, don't let this opportunity go to waste. Search out the biggest geek in your class and bat your eyes at him. Chances are he's worth millions more than Mr. Football.
GOOOOOOOOO Team!!!
Liria Says:
Dear Lovelorn,
Before I start dishing advice and recipes, just one question. If you can hold onto a crush for nine years, eleven months, how long can you hold a grudge if things don't go your way? I'm guessing that for a variety of reasons we could call you Fido from Louisiana. That's what I see as your advantage. You don't let go. Well I say good for you! I have no idea whether you'll get this man next month. Really, who knows? If you want to invest in trying, get a room at the reunion hotel, pick up a bottle of scotch for him and make a batch of my "Before I Offer Him the Poison" Apple Martinis for you, and invite him up. If he's married, invite her too. If all goes South at least you won't have to drive. Go up to your room and plot your revenge for the next gathering.
Who says only whiny losers are still hung up on the football team ten years later?
Revenge is sweet (and sour mix)!
